Yale's fat endowment belongs in the classroom

By Kushal Dave

SHAWN CHENG/YH

If I were asked to guess the most commonly uttered sarcastic comment at Yale, I don't think it would be, "Gee, I wish there were more singing groups." I don't even think it would be, "I wish there weren't so many places to shop in New Haven." Rather, it would sound something like, "I can understand everything being in such bad shape, because Yale really doesn't have the funds to do anything about it."

The discontinuity between Yale's obscenely large endowment and its penny-pinching is a guaranteed conversation starter. Everyone has a favorite thing that Yale really ought to be able to afford: hand soap and paper towels, edible food, satisfactory and rapid renovations, a good Spring Fling band, more security, kitchens, useful books in the library, full cable, quality professors and TAs, lower tuition, a functional registrar, air conditioning. Sadly, none of these desirables ever materialize.

However, a new trend provides a glimmer of hope for staving off such complaints. According to a recent New York Times article [10/15/99], classes in computer literacy have been added to the list of graduation requirements at schools like the University of Texas and Florida State University. These classes are just the newest members of a lengthy list of specific course requirements at universities across the nation. Such mandatory classes, deemed necessary to every matriculant's education, and usually covering the social sciences or English, are institutions at places like Columbia, Duke and Harvard. They help students bond, though more as a result of their condescending, lowest-common-denominator quality than their usefulness. Yale has the opportunity, however, to one-up its competitors by establishing a new benchmark in intellectual masturbation—Yaleonomics!

With economics already the major of nearly everyone at Yale, this will be an easy way for future I-bankers to glimpse the sort of voodoo advice they may one day be spewing. In the first part of the class, Yale's finest economists will explain in no uncertain terms why Yale simply cannot spend its money. Professors will go on to tell us that when Yale calls while we're still paying off loans from college, we should open our wallets and pour our money into the endowment's gaping black hole.

But wait. Even if Yale professors came up with the spending rule that the University follows, economics professor Ray Fair can't defend it. He told the Herald [10/23/98], "There's been a loss of focus on education. It's become a game—let's see who can get the biggest endowment." Not to worry, though. Yale would probably find it more cost-effective to get rid of Fair somehow and replace him with a low-cost, non-ladder toadie, anyway.

The second portion of the class will cover monopolies. It will explain why Yale, part of an oligarchy of prestigious educational institutions, is free to charge whatever it damn well pleases. Also discussed will be the virtues of letting stores monopolize shopping areas, since the exorbitant prices students are charged will find their way back to Yale's coffers. Special attention will be paid to the kickbacks the bookstore proudly parades as generosity.

Part three of the syllabus will cover allocation of funds. Professors will explain why voluminous full-color brochures on the tercentennial, deceptive meals in the dining hall for Parents' Weekend, and pet academic projects are justifiable expenditures, while hiring new professors, having Commons open on national holidays and cleaning our bathrooms on the weekend are not. The course will also cover the character-building aspects of groveling for campus funds. It will also explain Yale's public relations-friendly policy of lavishing money on everything "ethnic," from organizations to counselors (but not including departments).

In discussing the need to fly the football team and its entourage to San Diego, the professors will neatly segue into the fourth and final region of study: donations. Specifically, there will be a discussion on why people are more likely to donate to the college out of pity for the sorry conditions they know exist rather than out of fond recollection of comfortable surroundings. They will also explain why those likely to be wealthy donors will choose this school over others based on its charming dilapidation and taut purse strings.

John Dumont, TD '78, told the Herald last week [10/15/99], "To my mind, the `value' or appropriateness of any university or college endowment should be judged by the degree to which it improves the quality and accessibility of education at that institution." Well, there's nothing quite like having five percent of your contribution spent to really make a hefty impact, is there, Mr. Dumont?

But not to worry—this new class will make us all feel better. Now, we need only find something to discuss when we're all content with Yale's budgetary policies. Fortunately, we will always be able to resort to debating the relative merits of our freshman-year Yaleonomics professors.

Kushal Dave is a sophomore in Pierson.

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