Toilet Paper

A special message from YDS

By Don Tontiplaphol

We've commandeered the Yale Herald. Yes, this week our message was just too important to trust that you'd read it off the table tents. So why don't you sit back as we enlighten you about, well, everything you could have ever wanted to know about food?

Who needs nutrition cards anyway?

SARAH ENGLAND/YH

Want a helpful hint? No? Well tough, here it is! If you are feeling hungry, think twice. You might just be tired! So stop stuffing your face with seemingly essential vitamins, proteins, and sugars. It's all unnecessary. And it's bad for the environment, too! But what isn't bad for the environment and the Earth's quickly dwindling food stores is sleep. What most people don't realize is that you can sleep off hunger. In fact, you can sleep off most things. Gout and rheumatism can be easily relieved with some much-needed shut-eye. Gangrene and certain cases of genital warts need nothing more than a visit from Mr. Sandman. And if you are feeling restless and over-energetic, sleep cures that, too. You might think you are rested and ready to forge ahead into the world, but what you really need is sleep. Forget about that essay or that problem set: sleep will make them all just go away. By the time you awake, your philosophy paper will be done; your lab report will probably be done better than you could do it anyway. Who did that, you ask? Silly question, you sleepy-head! You did it in your dreams! But just remember: you can't do everything in your dreams! You might think you can, but sometimes you just end up with messy shorts!

Better living through more cups

Yale Dining Services spends a lot of hard-earned cash on our silverware and plates, so be careful when you steal them! Our trays cost cold hard cash, and so do our cups and silverware—don't steal them for too long. We'll need 'em back soon! If we don't get them back, we won't have enough utensils to give you when you come to eat at your college dining hall. If we don't have enough forks and spoons, you won't have them, either, you dunce! You moron! You jerk! I'm only kidding, student—but really, I'm not. Without silverware, believe us, you'll regret it. You'll have to resort to eating with your hands. And vegan shepherd's pie ain't pretty when you have to scoop the steaming mass into your selfish gullet! Hell, it ain't pretty...ever! You won't be pretty either with encrusted food all over your filthy self. You'll end up looking like that kid in high school no one wanted to play with. And when no one wants to play with you, don't come crying to us. Cuz [sic] we'd just laugh some more.

You sorry slob, you beast—that's what you'll be if you start eating with your hands. What do you think started the downfall of the Enlightenment and its concomitant relativism? What sparked the first Great Schism within the Catholic Church? What do you think separates us from the simian hordes of our degraded past? What sparked the Reign of Terror in Revolutionary France? The answer: grubby food-stained hands. Trust us—we looked it up.

The magic of bi-locational food

If the regular menu isn't floating your boat, drop on by the PanGeos station for something a little spicy. A little tangy. A little sexy! Our PanGeos stations are specially designed for your eating ecstasy. Instead of cooking the food in the kitchen, we cook it out in the dining hall. We cook in two places now! Let me repeat myself, just in case you can't believe your ears. PanGeos cooks food for you in a different place from where we cook all the other food. And it's magical, not to mention etymological. The "Pan" means "good," and the "Geos" means "really good." Check it out sometime! Like right now! But just don't go too often—if it gets too popular, we might have to find a third place to cook food for you. And there's no way we can deal with that sort of insanity.

So how's life, anyway?

We hope you have a great breakfast, a greater lunch, and the greatest dinner. Just to improve on the experience, feel free to fill out a handy-dandy opinion card with this little tiny pencil. But make sure you take it seriously, because, God knows, we do. We can't know how to improve if we don't get feedback. So tell us what's on your mind, how class has been, and anything else you want to share. Are your parents doing all right? Empty nest syndrome? Yeah, we know the feeling. We're sure you'll feel a whole lot better if you just tell someone. Mum's the word around here, so you don't have to be scared. You need to talk, and we're here to listen.

Enjoy your meal!

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