An ancient sage once said that the only reason the leaves change color in the fall is to remind Dunkin’ Donuts marketing executives that it is once again time to roll out their seasonal menu. The debate over the true cause of this mysterious phenomenon rages on between the scientific and pastry communities, causing them to square off in increasingly fatal debates. Regardless, the good folks in Canton, Mass. have done it again. The Fall 2009 lineup of festive donuts, muffins, pastries, and beverages has accomplished what many have long thought impossible. To everyone’s surprise, they have created the perfect Fall donut.

It hardly bears mentioning that one could write volumes about Dunkin’ Donuts’ limited-edition “Boston Scream” donut. Some claim that the vast amounts of literature on this delicious offering’s profound societal effects has become unwieldy, teetering on the brink of esoteric. While I will not comment on the immense scholarship this pastry has garnered, I feel compelled as a diligent and responsible journalist to highlight some of Dunkin’ Donuts’ past seasonal failures, not just their tremendous successes.

Their special menu created for the Catholic Season of Lent in 2007 is a particularly glaring example of a donut debacle. This crumb-filled catastrophe—during which all of the stores’ shelves were emptied and disappointed customers were urged to pray for their salvation—led to an unforgettable firestorm of media coverage and popular backlash. It took nothing less than a papal decree to bring back these “holey” treats that Catholics were obviously unwilling to sacrifice, even when faced with the threat of eternal damnation.

On a more secular note, one recalls the 2008 Cinco de Mayo “Fuego” donut. Filled with habañero pepper sauce and topped with Serrano chilis, clients could only purchase this donut after signing a special release form. Despite this safeguard, the image of corpses, donuts in their rigid hands and blood foaming out of their mouths, stacked outside of Dunkin’ Donuts locations nationwide is one that will persist in the public’s collective memory for years to come.

These mistakes, however, were erased instantly on Oct. 25, 2009, when the “Boston Scream” donut hit shelves nationwide. Locations around the country were staffed with riot police and outfitted with state-of-the-art crowd control countermeasures in anticipation of the clamorous masses that descended upon virtually every Dunkin’ Donuts in the country. I was among those fervent donut devotees, and as I feared being trampled underfoot, I found solace in knowing that I would soon be able to consume what I knew in my heart would be a legendary treat.

The donut did not disappoint. I would happily kiss the feet of the culinary genius who made the decision to drizzle orange frosting over a regular Boston Cream donut, subtly alluding to a traditional Halloween color scheme. The modification of the treat’s traditional name, while admittedly a superficial change, resounds on a subconscious level. With the removal of the expected moniker, one is not precisely sure of what one is eating; trapped within an ever-expanding frame of reference, there is no other choice but to succumb and chew.

In the penetration of the donut’s core, an act as powerful as splitting the atom, one encounters the customary custard filling. This familiar friend anchors the elated consumer before he or she drifts into a euphoric bliss from whence there is no return. Indeed, had the filling undergone some modification of its own, the pastry would have truly transcended the material boundaries of the culinary world. As it is, the many devotional cults dedicated to worshipping this donut already attest to its mythic, nay magical, powers.

In summary, if for some unbelievable reason you have not heard of this donut’s (long since known as “manna”), providential descent into the earthly realm, you have little recourse but to run as fast as your skinny jeans will allow to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts. But may I just offer a word to the wise: Eat the donut within one of the specially constructed safe rooms recently installed in locations across the nation. A recent spate of bloody donut-jackings outside of stores in urban areas has forced many aficionados to enjoy this life-sustaining pastry in a safer environment. With its all-too-short lifetime, this may be a treat worth killing for, but please, be careful in your pursuit of the dream.