Miranda Lewis takes us into the world of Vinny Guadagnino, and we think we want to stay.

Jersey Shore is reality TV at its best. Conceptually, it doesn’t seem that appealing; eight annoying self-professed “guidos” (and “guidettes,” mind you) live in a house on the Jersey Shore and do what they do all year: Get drunk, have sex, and maintain their tans. The results that came out of it, however, show a whole new side of the young American lifestyle—a side most Americans never see. The cast seemed entirely unaware for the duration of the show that cameras were really following their every sleazy, trashy, embarrassing move. Even in coverage after the show, they are almost oblivious to the fact that most of America is making fun of their, predatorial, sex-driven attitudes.

We love to hate them, but they are, in a sense, what we would all be if we were completely honest about our desires. I’m not saying that we all want to be tan and muscular, or that we’d like to expose ourselves, or hook up with random strangers so much that it hurts, but if we were to blatantly state exactly what we wanted with no care for the consequences, on live television, we’d probably sound just as ludicrous and unintelligent. But most of us have shame.

These guidos and guidettes posess a trait we all aspire to have: complete honesty with ourselves. If we value fashion as a complete development of one’s own personal aesthetic and style, their orange skin, big hair, and gaudy T-shirts should make the cast ultimate fashion icons. If we value honesty as not holding anything back, their unabashed statements about wanting to get wasted or laid should make the cast divine.

I love them not only because they’re outlandish, quotable, and laugh-out-loud funny, but also because they represent something I think we admire. If I were to be that forthright with what I wanted in life, I’d probably turn people off with my abrasiveness—like Jack Black in Shallow Hal.

I’ve invested a considerable amount of time and energy in these characters, resources that would probably be better off devoted to my “real” life. Last Thursday I decided to transform my life into its probable Jersey Shore iteration. I went to Elevate on the night that one of the cast members, Vinny Guadagnino, would be making an appearance, and I let my true guidette shine. Decked out in a beautiful outfit courtesy of Forever 21, with hair courtesy of “Forever Hold” hairspray, and an attempt at a tan courtesy of Sally Hansen spray-tan-in-a-bottle, I checked my outer Yale girl at the door. Meet the new me.

12:00 p.m.

Tonight I could meet one of my biggest crushes, Vinny. I love Vinny because he’s, like, so driven. He went to SUNY New Paltz and he, like, took the LSATs. He’s a nice guy and he’s gotta be clean. I’m real nervous he’s not gonna notice me though. Pretty much every guidette in Connecticut is gonna be here tonight. I gotta spend the whole day preppin’, so first on my list is gettin’ a tan.

1:45 p.m.

Okay so, like, what is with New Haven? There are seriously no tanning salons here that I would ever go to. I’m not looking for some kind of weak, “golden” tan. I’m not a golden girl or nothin’! I’m gonna have to go to, like, Walgreens or somethin’ and get some fake tanner.

2:10 p.m.

Shit, this spray tanner actually works, like, really well. I mean, I look hot. Man, if Vinny doesn’t ask me to dance with him tonight, I’ll be seriously frickin’ pissed off. He dances with anyone. Like, literally anyone. Once he danced with this 45-year-old fat hag and then he got pink eye the next day. I hope he doesn’t have fucking pink eye now!

3:17 p.m.

I gotta pick out my outfit NOW because I’m not going to have that much time to get ready. We’re hittin’ up the club EARLY tonight so we can make sure to get a table. If you don’t get a table at the club, you’re basically not a guidette. There are also no excuses for not lookin’ really ridiculously good every fucking night because that’s what guidettess do. Our frickin’ job is lookin’ really good. If I could get paid to look good I would. I might try. I think I’m going to go to some job interviews to be a shot girl. Shot girls, like, do great things.

3:26 p.m.

My girl, Bianca, just came over to discuss what we’re gonna be wearing tonight. I got this real fly skirt that’s black, with laces down the side, and this leopard shirt. I also just got this hot new leopard jacket. Remember: A guidette never leaves the house without heels and makeup. I gotta hit up the gym and do my laundry first, though.

6:12 p.m.

If you’re a real guidette, you’ve got a getting-ready routine. First you gotta shower, then you gotta blow-dry your hair, straighten it, and, if you’re a nasty ho, you’ll put in your extensions. I mean, come on, I can grow my own hair! Then you gotta do your makeup. Looking hot is all about looking like you care a lot about how you look.

8:20 p.m.

Doin’ my last checks: my hair is real straight, which is good, and now all my bitches are finally here! We’re drinking champagne and grain cuz we’re classy like that. We literally can’t wait to go to the club.

9:30 p.m.

We called Ramarroh in advance to set up a table at Elevate, so we won’t have to wait in line. We rule this city. I am the motherfuckin’ princess of motherfuckin’ New Haven, bitchesss! We’re walking down Crown and all my girls got on their heels and their hair looks good and their makeup is HOT. My guidos are tan and fine, and when we bounce into Elevate everyone will know what is UP!

9:37 p.m.

There’s a line the size of my ex-boyfriend’s dick coming out of Elevate right now. Thank God we reserved our table in advance, but all I had to do was unbutton my jacket and the bouncers led us all in, to a table that was waiting for us with Stoli and ice—the only things a guidette needs for a good time. I need to find Vinny now.

10:15 p.m.

I couldn’t find Vinny anywhere, so I went to find that bouncer who let us in and he just led me over to Vinny’s VIP section! I didn’t meet him there, though, because then he went up into the DJ booth and I had to elbow a bunch of other nasty bitches in the face before I could finally climb to the top, but it was all worth it, baby! I met Vinny and told him how much I loved him, and he was so fucking hot in person. All I can say is this: Vinny is pretty much the hottest guy I’ve ever met, and I’m NOT just sayin’ that. Honestly, I think I would marry him right now.and he definitely seemed into me! I put my number in his pocket and he better fucking call me.

10:57 p.m.

Vinny’s still here but he’s, like, talking to all these other bitches! I just tried to push my way in, but these fucking elephants kept almost punching me in the face. Then, this guy who smelled like he had poured the entire Abercrombie store on his body kept trying to dance with me. Get off me, jerk!

12:26 a.m.

Some bitches just came over and started fighting with Bianca. But like, I don’t really care because I’m watching Vinny, but then that same bouncer came over and tried to break them up and I had to go protect Bia but I don’t want to get kicked out. Bianca’s boyfriend just grabbed the both of us and yanked us out of the club. I’m screaming and pulling him back because I don’t give a shit about those bitches, I just want Vinny!

12:55 a.m.

I’m back in bed now, drinking water and eating ham and mad pickles. I’m pretty upset I didn’t get to hook up with Vinny, but The Situation is coming next week and he looks like Rambo with his shirt off.