Here’s some advice on freshman Facebook trolling:
- Chill out!! Stop judging your friends on how many new college friends they’ve made or on their number of recently tagged photos. I walked by a trio of freshmen T-30 minutes ago, and they were discussing how bizarre it was that this guy looked like “A total douche on Facebook,” but that in person he’s, “Like, so nice!”
That’s because, shockingly, you cannot understand the full personality of a human being via their internet presence.
- Make your profile as bizarre as possible. This way, when your suitemates troll your profile searching for photos with red solo cups for reassurance that you go out, they will be utterly lost and confused about who you are as an individual.
I’m talking REAL bizarre: move past cat cover photos (guilty) and profile photos featuring Beyoncé (that’s not even bizarre). Make your profile photo a naked picture of your dad, and maybe don’t stop there because that’s too mainstream. And your cover photo? Well, you might just want to put a picture of the Philippine delegacy, balut. MMMMM.
- Limit your first college album to under 200 photos. Surprisingly, this will become hard for you as you want to casually convey to everyone you know that you’re having theeeee best time of your life. But no one wants to scroll through 50 still-lifes of Stiles common rooms or 20 photos of you at your first frat party.
- Don’t upload photos of yourself with 3 of the same people, unless those people are super fine. If your new friends are hawt, that means you’re cool and you’ve made it. If they’re not, you should diversify to build your social cache. Make it seem like you’re the shit, or a man of the people, but never with the same old shit people.
- If you’re absolutely over the booktivities and you’re apparently above it all (or the coolest freshmen), delete your Facebook altogether. It’s a one-two punch to The Man and a sign that you will not be judged by your online presence. But then again, you’ll miss out on all of the SigEp Facebook invites. And also really great “think” pieces. And maybe also posts from Buzzfeed (ugh).