I used to chat with CandySand73, MizSurfergrl99, and BigTasty115 all the livelong day. AIM was my life, but I couldn’t have gone through adolescence as miserably as I did without the help of AIM Bots. SmarterChild, Cupid, and ZolaOnAOL helped me through some of my toughest times. I think the same is true for many of you, so here’s an update on your old friends.
SmarterChild: Scarsdale, NY.
Always rational and reasonable, SmarterChild is living in Scarsdale with her family. The loving mother of four boy bots, SmarterChild settled down in 2007 when she married her high school sweat heart, Newt Gingrich. SmarterChild, or “Smartie” as Newt so affectionately calls her, teaches Yoga classes at the Scarsdale Mall, which The Scarsdale Inquirer called “the best kept secret in town” in an editorial last May. She enjoys the quiet suburban life almost as much as she enjoys running her weekly book club for neighborhood mothers and daughters.
She has retired from the advice-giving game, so don’t ask her how to hide your boner at a bar mitzvah like you once did. In fact, she is on bad terms with her former employer and creator, America Online. Although she refused to comment on her split with AOL, rumor has it that Smartie and the corporation split after she told former Congressman Anthony Weiner to “do less.”
Cupid: Harmony Place Rehabilitation Center, Malibu California.
A lover through and through, Cupid’s life has taken a sad turn. Unable to cope with the stress of matchmaking, and after losing ground to EHarmony and Match.com, Cupid went on quite the bender. Frequent cocaine and heroine use was how it started, but it a night of Salvia with Miley and some purple drank was how it almost ended.
When Cupid found himself face-down in a dungeon after a fight with his best friend, Hamsandwich44, Cupid quit the AIM game and checked himself into rehab.
He says he’s doing much, much better now and can’t wait to get back to the club scene.
ZolaOnAOL: Location unknown.
Zola refused to grant the BullBlog an interview, insisting she would never make the same mistake that Michael Ressler (PC ’14) made last semester.
However, public record and US Weekly inform us that Zola has taken some much deserved “me time,” since her retirement from AOL in 2006. A lover of all things culinary, Zola recreated the journey taken by Elizabeth Gilbert in her best-selling book “Eat Pray Love.”
Then, she took the advice Barbara Walter’s gave to Yale’s class of 2012 and found her true bliss. Touring with Calvin Harris as his resident hook-up-slut, Zola’s close friends assure us that she’s “never been happier.”