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Christmas counseling & Channukah chelp

That's me on the left! LOL!!(wikimediacommons)

That's me on the left! LOL!!(wikimediacommons)

You may ask why you should take advice from an alliteration-loving stranger about the holiday practices particular to your family. Sure, it may be true that I don’t know how homophobic your great uncle is or how alcoholic your cousin can get. But, trust me, I’ve had my share of holiday horrors and hurdles.

One Thanksgiving, my entire family was in front of the fireplace for a group photo and on three—literally at the moment the photograph was being taken—my dog threw up on all of our feet. In other words, there exists a photograph of my chow chow’s half-digested dog food only centimeters away from my entire extended family’s special-occasion-only shoes (which we happen to take very seriously).

A different year we were cooking two geese on Christmas and they both fell on the floor…or should I say migrated to the floor (lol!)—we ate them anyway, but that’s besides the point.

My grandpa was once cooking a Thanksgiving turkey and my slightly crazed great aunt thought the bird was my father and that my grandpa was defrosting his son in the sink…and the craziest part was that she was right!!! Okay, my family’s not that crazy, ya jerk, but you get the picture.

Given that I and mine have had our fair share of seasonal turmoil, here are a few tips that have helped me enjoy the holidays.

1. Bored by the dinner conversation? Try to convince your family that you have devoted your next four years, nay your life, to the John Edwards campaign and that his baby is so cute! Then say you are texting Anthony Weiner about it. Quick note: you have to seriously commit to this one for it to work.

2. Come up with a creative, holiday-specific thing to say every time a picture is taken instead of “Cheese.” How about “Santa loves cheese,” or “Cheese that mice would eat if they were stirring but no creatures are stirring now because it’s Christmas eve yes that is a reference to the famous poem whose author is unknown yes I go to Yale.”

3. Feeling adventurous and want to piss off your grandparents? Try stealing their beds! Then, feeling generous and want to give them a unique and personal gift? Give it back to them! It’s a win, win for all parties involved.

4. Complaining about the meals being subpar now that Grandma Shirley is getting old? Go make your own good meal, ya lazy!

5. Menorahs get boring. Or should I say me-snore-ahs get boring. Or is that redundant and unnecessary (Let me know by sending in your opinion!)? Jazz them up by making a playlist for each night you light it and call it “St. Nick and Menorah’s Infinite Playlist.”

So a merry pagan holiday season to you humbugs, and a happy New Year! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my Weiner texting.