This past Tuesday, Justin Bieber, best known for his work as an animal rights activist, received an early morning visit from the po-po.  Authorities inspected Bieber’s 6.5 million dollar playpen to follow up on a report that Biebs had caused $20,000 in damage to a neighbor’s home after pelting it with eggs.

To clarify: Bieber bought eggs and stored them in what must be the largest refrigerator in the continental United States.

Then, when the time was right, Bieber removed the eggs from his fridge and threw said eggs at his neighbor’s home, causing 20,000 dollars in damage.

The hat-wearing, animal-loving, brothel-visiting sensation has declined to comment until he is properly lawyered up.  I would imagine that at this very moment, Bieber is on the horn with Barry Bonds’ lawyer, discussing tactics for defense in a performance-enhancing drug suit.

Unless one of the “eggs” was actually a hand grenade, there is simply no way that Bieber was able to perform this feat without a little bit of juice.  It’s not like Bieber caused this kind of damage to a fort made out of pillows.  The houses in Justin’s gated community must have been built by people who hold every cheat code from The Sims ever invented.

All I’m saying is that before we throw Bieber and his pet monkey behind bars, we should see what else he can do.  Maybe he can fly or bend spoons with his mind.  At the very least, we should harvest his arms for science or to make a sequel to the 1993 cinematic inspiration, Rookie of the Year.

This could finally unlock the secret of how Bieber has been dodging puberty like his life depends on it.

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