When people dress up for Halloween, I like that. I like that we all partake in a timeless tradition, one that celebrates death, candy and promiscuity among our nation’s young women.
I like it when people make funny costumes because I think it’s funny, don’t you? I think it’s funny when David Mandelbaum, ES ’15, dresses up as a Banana, or when Zach Krumholz, BK ’15, dresses up as Fred Flintstone.
I like telling people who aren’t wearing costumes to take their ugly mask off!
But most of all, I like it when people dress up in scary costumes, don’t you? Simply put, it is the dumbest thing ever. It’s not like a “Scream” mask is going to make me think you’re actually the character from the fictional horror movie. If you’re the Grim Reaper, I don’t even know what that is and you look ugly.
If you’re a Zombie, then you’ve made my day. Like, you think I’m scared? Why would I be scared of someone who spends time painting their face and sewing costumes together? Probably explains why I’m not afraid of Broadway’s costume designers, Marc Jacobs or the contestants on Project Runway.
There’s nothing frightening about fake blood, unless it’s being thrown onto a fur coat. What would be truly scary is real blood. Real blood would mean you actually are scary. I like real blood, don’t you?
Finally, let me leave you with some food for thought: how pissed would you be if you were a kid and someone actually tricked you and didn’t treat you? I should do that. I will do that. I’ll report back on how mad the kids get.