Yale’s 23rd president, Peter Salovey, appeared to be all smiles at Sunday afternoon’s Inauguration Ceremony. However, our sources have strongly hinted that Salovey’s celebratory gestures and buoyant demeanor were a result of his completion of some sort of initiation process. After further investigation, the Bullblog suspects that a tradition—almost as old as Yale itself—of presidential hazing, held no mercy on Yale’s new president. With the help of several confidants and a little bit of *creative interpretation* we have pieced together what we believe composed his Presidential Hell Week.
The Presidential Hell Week started off relatively tame. In a practice that began almost every day of hell week, Peter Salovey first had two 40-ounce bottles of malt liquor duct taped to his hands, and was placed blindfolded in his office at Woodbridge Hall. While he sipped on his malty libations, the audio from the viral YouTube video “That’s Why I Chose Yale” blasted through Salovey’s noise-canceling Beats by Dre headphones, until he crushed all 80 ounces of what our sources confirmed to be Olde English.
After completing his obligatory Edward 40-Hands drinking assignment, several sources have indicated spotting a silver-haired naked male run through Phelps Gate and across Old Campus, belting Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” at the top of his lungs.
Tying into these reported Tuesday night escapades, on Wednesday night, Yale’s 23rd president attended the three-hour rehearsal of a Yale a capella group which asked to remain unnamed. Despite Salovey’s repeated requests and pleas, this was a dry event. In addition, Salovey’s phone was required to be on airplane mode for the duration of the rehearsal.
Perhaps the most brutal night of Salovey’s hell week, organized by Yale’s surviving former presidents Richard C. Levin, Howard R. Lamar, Benno C. Schmidt Jr. and Hanna Holborn Gray. After the customary round of 40-Hands, Salovey was snuck into the Saybrook Dining Hall. According to a Saybrook custodian, he was forced to chow down on leftovers from that night’s dinner, which included Saybrook’s finest soggy vegetables, vegan ravioli and rigid pork loin. The unnamed custodian also reported that while Salovey was forcing this stomach-churning meal down, the four former presidents mocked his bare upper-lip amidst quotes from expert criticisms of Salovey’s seminal 1989 thesis “Emotional Intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality.”
During the day, Salovey was spotted walking up and down Elm Street between College and York, unknowingly sporting a t-shirt whose backside read, “Ask Me Things about Yale in Singapore!!!”
Hazing was suspended for Saturday’s Campus-wide Open House (#InspireYale).
Peter Salovey’s final assignment for the Inaugural Hazing was waiting in line for fried dough at Sunday afternoon’s Block Party on Hillhouse Avenue. Because of the incredibly long wait, Salovey was too late to receive a complimentary “23″ water bottle. With that, the Bullblog would like to congratulate Yale’s 23rd President; if he can get through a week like this, he’s clearly the right man for the job.