In the first presidential debate, it appeared as though President Obama was a bit spooked, like a horse sometimes gets when a tractor backfires or like how I got when I learned that Rob Thomas was getting the crew back together for a Matchbox Twenty reunion tour. The president was off his game, and there’s only one explanation: Governor Romney got in his head, under his skin, between his toes, inside his ear, and then he tickled his nose. In other words, Romney psyched Obama out. I don’t know how, I don’t know when and I don’t know much about professional sports anymore because I stopped paying attention in 8th grade when I discovered my penis.
On Thursday night, Vice President Biden and U.S. Congressman and professional white person Paul Ryan will meet for their only debate. After last week’s debate, we know that the psych-out is the path to victory. I’ve got some ideas for Biden and Ryan on how they push each other’s buttons.
Advice for Vice President Biden:
- A few hours before you go on stage, call up Congressman Ryan, a man known to take physical fitness very seriously. Say, “Hey Paul, best of luck tonight. I was wondering if I could borrow your girdle? I heard yours works wonders, and I left mine back at the Naval Observatory. “
- During the debate, refer to Congressman Ryan as “Mr. Brian.” He’ll correct you, but don’t listen to him. You should even correct the moderator when he introduces Congressman Ryan: “it’s actually Congressman Brian – right Mr. Brian?”
- Ryan’s a youngin’ compared to you, Mr. Vice President. Make him self-conscious about it. When you’re on stage and you shake hands, tell him in your best grandpa voice, “I haven’t seen you since you were this big! (lower your hand to your knee) My, how you’ve grown!” Then, hand him a baby bottle pop
Advice for Congressman Ryan:
- Vice President Biden is known for occasionally running his mouth at the wrong time and at all of the times. So, send him an email (SurferChick85@hotmail.com) with every curse word you know in very light grey font – so light that it’s almost unnoticeable. At the end, in all bold, black caps write, “you won’t.” Biden will probably think the message is blank, but his subconscious won’t. Prepare for when he calls you a “fuck-mouth.”
- The Vice President is a busy man with a lot of responsibility, but there’s no escaping the fact that he’s number two. Ask him what its like to be in the same room as the President. Then, ask him, “what do you do with all your free time now that you’re essentially retired?”
- Biden is much older than you, so let him know it. When you’re back stage with him just hanging out, ask him what it was like before people realized there was no northwest passage. You should also ask him what Betty White looked like when she was born.
All is fair in love and war and also in the vice pesidential debates. Tomorrow we’ll find out which one of these government officials reads the Bullblog.