Sometimes you get lucky, most of the time you get screwed

Sometimes, Screw can go right. Maybe you will find your future husband/boyfriend/booty call wearing nothing but boxers, blindfolded and tied to a tree, singing Willow Smith’s Whip my Hair at the top of his lungs. You will rescue him from bondage and you will dance the night away. And it won’t just be another drunken hookup, because he’ll call you and ask you to coffee next weekend. I’m not cynical enough to say it can’t happen, because many a relationship has started at Freshman Screw. But most of the time you get screwed.

Here are some things to watch out for:

  1. Maybe you won’t even be able to find him amidst all of the other roaming individuals on Old Campus searching for their other halves–the peanut butter to their jelly, the key to their lock, the orange juice to their vodka. Which is all fine and good, except it is freezing, and icy, and sometimes your suitemates have communication problems so you’re on Cross Campus and your date is on Old Campus. Chances of finding each other? slim. Chances of catching pneumonia? Significantly higher.
  2. Once you find each other, you might have a sinking feeling that this is definitely not love at first sight. Remember, there are a thousand singles looking for dates on the same night and your suitemates are not How are they supposed to know that you don’t like guys with curly hair or that major in Econ? Even worse, he might not like you. Unlike at Toads, where you can easily escape into a shield of your girlfriends, you are morally obligated to be nice to your screw date. Well, at least until you get bellig enough to tell him to gtfo before you harpoon him to a tree!
  3. Let’s say the two of you hit it off, exchange numbers, and “kiss” goodnight. The next week, you meet at Blue State for a maybe-friendly-maybe-more coffee date. Great! You sit down to talk and he asks, “so, what college are you in?” Um yeah…turns out one or both of you were blackout the entire night.

And remember, day drinking isn’t frowned upon in February.

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