The Moon is bleeding!!

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No, the Blood Moon is not the newest installment of the Twilight Saga. It is the tragic event that occurred Tuesday night between the hours of 2 am and 4 am.

Our question: who the hell stabbed the moon? It is bleeding profusely, and we’re just standing idly by, OBSERVING it?! We are worried! Crap!

We took it upon ourselves to compile a list of suspects:

The Sun. The firecracker doesn’t even let us look at it in the eyes. And we don’t even KNOW what Sun’s bad side looks like, but the Moon’s been on it for years! 

Uranus. This one can be a real butthole.

Jupiter. What a record! In 2001, Jupiter was caught red-handed kidnapping and drooling all over the lead singer of Train’s girlfriend. That crime was almost as bad as when he made it rain à la Fat Joe on that Greek lady and impregnated her.

Pluto. There is clearly a Napoleon complex going on here. Plutes was demoted to a dwarf planet only a few years ago. We smell jealousy, but we all know he doesn’t have the Spaceballs to do anything about it.

The cow! Years of jumping over the Moon exhausted the old cow–he had to kill the Moon. It was that or the slaughterhouse.

Resolved: the cow killed the moooooooooooooon.

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