First off, a shout-out to FCC for what is, I’m sure, going to be a wonderfully-planned and well-executed screw. It’s not your fault that screw sucks; it’s just the nature of the beast. Like new year’s eve, Halloween, Harvard-Yale weekend, your 21st birthday, and any other time when people are putting pressure on themselves to have THE MOST FUN NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES EVER, screw is bound to disappoint. But here are other reasons why screw will always be a bust:
- You are at the mercy of your idiot friends and suitemates. Unless you’re the 1 out of 150 freshmen who has the balls and initiative to actually ask the person you want to go to screw with, your fate is in their hands. And they will never get it right.
- Commons smells weird and the floor is sticky. This is true at lunchtime; it will be true when the hall is full of writhing freshmen. You’re probably also stepping in vomit.
- 50% of the freshmen are DTF with whoever they’re screwed with and the other 50% are looking for no action whatsoever. And, somehow, people from Group A will inevitably be screwed with people from Group B.
Maybe I’m being a grinch, but suffice to say, my freshmen screw ended with me sitting in a pile of my friend’s roommate’s laundry. And that was the highlight of the night.
So, class of 2016, consider yourself warned. And may God be with you.