Point being though, I have a lot of free time when I go to LA—granted I rarely go to LA—because there is exactly nothing for me to do there. But if you are friendless at home here are some things to occupy your time.
- Contemplate the meaning of friendship. Then, when you come back to Yale be really, really nice to your friends here (remember they’re your only friends). I’m always much more charming after a break. This charm usually last for about five minutes before I sink back into my normal curmudgeony state. But for those five minutes I’m great.
- Hang out with your family. Unfortunately for me all my family members are popular and so they already have friends. But that’s okay because now their friends are my friends and we do lots of fun things together like talk about the ingratitude of our children and the struggles of menopause.
- Buy a pet, name him Oliver Pistachio, over feed him, then realize pets require work and give him away. Four years later you’ll find out that Oliver has developed diabetes and that he struggled with an obesity problem when you owned him. He overate because your lack of love made him sad.
- Scrapbook! Find old photos of you and your high school friends and pretend you’re still friends. Then cut the group shots out and place them in new and interesting locals, like the new vegan place in LA that has four different types of soy cheese.
- Make imaginary friends. This is much easier than making real friends, mainly because imaginary friends don’t complain when you cheat at the Barbie Game or when you accidently, and/or on purpose, because they’re snoring, kick them in your sleep during a sleepover.
See, not having friends is almost as fun as having them!