When I was six a boy tried to give me a flower. I said no thank you and ran away. My parents were not impressed, though really they should have admired both my innate politeness and my natural running ability. My romantic record did not improve, though my running skills did (I was a track star for exactly one year, it was epic).

But tomorrow is Valentine’s Day so if you don’t particularly like your valentine here are five ways to spend it:

1. Build an igloo and then make your Valentine sit silently while you recite the 32 ways to say I love you in Inuit (or as one yahoo answerer called it Eskimo).

2. Take your date to a new and interesting place like TD’s dinning hall. Bring paper napkins, plastic candles, fake flowers, a fancy cutting knife (you don’t actually need this but it sets the tone, as in don’t fuck with me), and grape juice. Then have your date sit there while you go and get food. Don’t ask your date what they want it will be more mysterious this way. First serve the salad, then the entree, then the dessert. When people start to stare at you remember, as my aunt used to tell me, they’re just jealous.

FYI Aunt Agapi no one was jealous of either my speech impediment or my green leg warmers.

3. Take your date to Toads, stand outside and imagine you were inside dancing. Then imagine you were in Dirty Dancing (not Dirty Dancing Havana Nights) and lift your date into the air, but don’t actually do this because it is dangerous, just imagine you were doing it.

4. Shovel snow, especially the two patches of snow on High Street. Not only will this get you closer, it will also let you exhibit your athletic prowess, and your inner goodness.

5. I actually have no more ideas, but what I do have is minor case of OCD where I only like numbers that are divisible by five.