Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, meaning that you will either A) bitch about how much your significant other sucks for not taking you to Heirloom or, B) focus on more important things, like living conditions in Sochi or your latest insta (#nomakeup, #nofilter). If you’re electing option B, just remember that being alone on Valentine’s Day is no different than any other day of your life. But if that doesn’t cheer you up, take heart, I’ve compiled a list of tips and tricks sure to make this V-Day extra special.
1. Text your ex
Instant gratification. Added bonus: they’re probably just as desperate as you are.
2. Pretend it doesn’t exist
This coping technique is applicable to most problems.
3. Date a graduate student
They’re poor, lonely, and craving human affection. Plus, they’d probably love to spend the night somewhere not laden with feces.
4. Change your relationship status
Is “waiting for a Snapchat” an option?
5. Have your parents visit
They provide unconditional love and non-physical affection, something you’ll never find in a lover at Yale.
6. Treat yourself to a handle of New Haven’s Finest
“These are tears of joy”
7. Seduce a foreign tourist
If you’re looking to get stroked like Woolsey’s shoe, they’d be more than willing to offer.
8. Go to Catwalk
Destinee will always love you (as long as you keep on making it rain).
9. Have T-Swizzle keep you company
Classics like “You’re Not Sorry” and “Forever & Always” are perfect for wallowing in self-pity.
10. Befriend Poetry Lady
She’s sure to ravish you with a sonnet or two (that rhymes, just like poems).
Seriously, just text your ex.