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BREAKING: YALE VALUES UNDER SIEGE

Box 63

Once a "relatively low-profile Yale bar," Box has been overtaken by outsiders in the recent past.

DISCLAIMER: The Bullblog often publishes FAKE NEWS. This is real.

Times are tough, and in tough times, it is the responsibility of Yalies like us, who represent our country’s brightest possible future, to put our capacious minds to work on some of the important issues we all face. We must work to ensure a better future, not just for ourselves, but for those who will come after us. We must protect each other at a time when the very bedrock of our institutions has been called into question. To that end, a group of 12 concerned and dedicated seniors of European descent have begun organizing to restore Box 63, American Bar & Grill, located on the corner of Elm and Park Streets, to its former glory.

The Box problem is simple to describe if not to remedy. As the “Box 63 Panel” memorandum obtained by the Bullblog reads, the bar “now consistently attracts a large crowd that has grown to include hundreds of local residents and students from surrounding areas.… In short,” the memo continues, “Yale students can no longer expect to head to Box on Friday and Saturday nights to hang out with other Yale students.”

In my three and a half years at Yale, I personally haven’t spent much time at Box, being neither a tall gentleman-athlete nor the object of tall gentlemen-athletes’ desire. But as suggested by the Panel’s 391-word PDF memo, the flood of students who come from outside New Haven’s borders to steal our spots at the bar represents an infringement on our inalienable rights. Their flagrant actions are matched by the individuals congesting the entrance line, who may have been born in New Haven but don’t look quite like us Yalies.

Perhaps inspired by Instagrams from the recent Women’s March, these bold srat sisters and perturbed bros have put their newfound political voices to use and scheduled a meeting this week with Box owner Carl Carbone, in which they will propose policy to make Box great again. One idea is a Box membership—free for Yale students, perhaps $50 for others—which would create an expedited entry line. Essentially, a tariff would be levied for outsiders who wish to gain quick entry. A simpler and perhaps more elegant solution suggested in the memo is Yale-only nights, which would periodically restrict travel to and from Box for those outside the University community. Through these thoughtful means, the panel hopes to restore Box to “the relatively low-profile Yale bar that it once was.”

We at the Bullblog salute the tireless work of these Yalies and wish them all the best in their upcoming meeting. We support them in their fight to take back our campus institutions from those who would dismantle them. They have taken time out of their busy social and athletic calendars, coming up with solutions so that we can start winning again here at home. That is until May, when home becomes New York, which will be dope because honestly New Haven’s kind of sketch.

#MBGA

10 Responses

  1. LK says:

    this is really so crazy

  2. new haven resident says:

    Go back to New York. New Haven doesn’t want you.

  3. New Haven Native says:

    You yuppie, elitist piece of shit. Just admit that you don’t want Black and Brown people to frequent this bar. There’s no need for you to use thinly veiled language such as “students of European descent”, have the balls to say your corny white ass doesn’t want to be in the same space as those who were born here but don’t look like Yalies. Pathetic. I bet you’re a Trump supporter to. You slimy unscrupulous piece of shit. I
    also think it’s funny that you tout Yalies as representing the best for the future???? Such hubris for one so minorly accomplished. Yalies should learn how to cross the street first and then MAYBE we can have that conversation.

    You are a carpetbagger and you don’t deserve New Haven.

    • Herald Editor says:

      Hey New Haven Native,
      We just wanted to point out that this is a satirical piece. If you take another look, I think you’ll find we’re actually on the same page. Where the piece says, “This is real,” we mean that there are in fact Yale students doing this, but this particular perspective is meant to highlight how absolutely absurd and insulting that is. Thank you for engaging with our paper!
      Yours in good (edgy) content,
      The Herald

      • Country Ray says:

        It may be satirical, however the point of the satire is to indicate prejudice the student population may implicitly reserve for townspeople, which has always been more of a classism issue than a racism issue as the undergrad population is diverse enough. It’s interesting enough to be aware that the beauty of new haven is the summertime, when long lines don’t exist. What may need to be stated? Yes, it’s embarrassing to admit this kind of shallow thinking can exist among a group who consider themselves elite, though at some point we may need to consider that there are others we may need to coexist with, like underdressed quinnipiac students. Edgy content is fun, perhaps even more so when it ridicules students while simultaneously outraging a confused public. So I will again petition the OED for a sarcasm punctuation mark that will help us all be in the same page.

  4. Taylor says:

    This is a load of elititist bullshit. Yalies, we do not own, nor are we entitled to faster service or first service simply because our parents can afford to send us to Yale. Next time you go home to NY, do all of us a favor and stay there. You are an embarrassment to Yale and New Haven and to yourself, quite honestly.

  5. Caring Editor says:

    For those who are a little slow on the uptake, this is satire! Enjoy!

  6. Sarah says:

    This is really poorly written, especially if it is satire. Does Yale no longer teach students how to write well? Did no one edit this? The racist implications of this article alone should have made it obvious that this drivel was not worth publishing without an extensive re-write.

  7. jb says:

    yeah, if people seem “slow on the uptake”, here, dudes, it’s because this satirical piece isn’t remotely more cartoonish than the garbage your compatriots are publishing in earnest on the reg. (http://yaledailynews.com/blog/2011/11/16/fisher-close-toads-now/ – a canon example.) the plausibility of this shit isn’t proof positive of great satire, it’s just an indication that you’re all generally a nightmare.

  8. Satire or is it? says:

    Let’s be honest here. This is not satire. It’s not. Too many Yalies actually think this way for it to be satire. Yes,
    Yale grooms the elite, the future leaders of the world, our overlords – but really, shouldn’t you be trying to get to know the people you will serve one day? You can chalk up 90% of the problems in the world to elitests not knowing, nor having any compassion for the people on the ground. People get off on their bank accounts ticking up & their investment portfolios expanding. Money for the sake of money. Power for the sake of power. It’s a legal drug & even when it’s not legal – you can always break the rules when you’re the ones that write them.

    All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill Yale students to meet normal people. Not everyone is as blindly driven by success as you. Willing to squash anything in their way, including their own humanity. Take a moment to imagine a world where everyone is like you – the whole thing would turn into a slaughter pit because very few can be the elite & even less can be the best & if they all were like you, then everyone would technically deserve it.

    So seriously. Go fucking meet some normal people. Try it. It might be refreshing to be around some people who aren’t primarily interested in what you have or what you to offer. It might be refreshing to just meet people and not try impress them, and let go of the feeling that they should be trying to impress you. It’s actually quite freeing to develop relationships with people that aren’t based on what they can do for you. Foreign concept. I know. I mean, friendship for the sake of companionship & loyalty? Round table friendships of good times & hearty laughs?

    So try it. Seriously. Go try it. Go out and meet 5 people, locals or people that go to other universities. And when you meet them, try not to talk about what they do for a living or what they’re studying. See if you actually like them for themselves, even more daring, see if they like you for yourself & not with your connection to a university. Can you hack it in a world without credentials? Don’t you want the satisfaction of knowing you are more than your degree, more than your name, more than your profession.

    And then once you’re done with the experiment, get back to studying because the world needs you. Unless you’re studying music theory – that’s completely useless. Boolah boolah!

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