We know we reported her as “Outgoing” last week, but how the heck were we supposed to know that the reason for her lull was that she was simply plotting her next world takeover! It’s like she’s riding the “Boom Bust” pendulum, more specifically, a wrecking ball. You may love her, you may hate her, but you definitely watched her new music video, “Wrecking Ball.” And what does that say about Miles? She’s back. And she’s back by swinging around nakey on a giant concrete ball. If you think that’s too controversial for the citizens of the world, whatever. It’s working. As I’m writing this, 47,659,238 people have watched the video. It reached 19.3 million views in 24 hours; that’s 13,194 views per minute! The middle school project you put on YouTube plateaued at 127, so I understand you’re bitter. However, your middle school project wasn’t directed by Terry Richardson, nor did it feature a slamming Cyrus in her skivvies. She’s turned the game around in one week and given the Herald a run for our money!
Outgoing: The iPhone 4
Here’s my theory: Apple has a giant red button in their Silicon Valley headquarters. When each new model laptop, phone, etc. comes out, someone pushes this red button. This red button causes the malfunction of every previous model of said technology. If you don’t think this is true, then you have never owned an Apple product (respect). The iPhones 5S and 5C are out, hence the button’s been pressed, causing the ruin of my phone. That being said, the 5 does have some crazy specs. I mean, the 5S has a fingerprint scanner! And the 5C comes in blue, green, pink, yellow, black, and white. Also, it’s plastic! It’s pretty clear that with the fancy new versions of the iPhone 5, Apple is working on completing the next level of controlling the world. And with the colorful 5C, the audience for Apple products will get younger—we’re about to see every lil kid tote one of them around… So line up peeps! If not to buy the new phone then to preemptively make an appointment for your failing 4.