Beta

Cred/D/Fail: February 14, 2014

Cr: Poking

I’m no Econ major, but from time to time I like to use my Invisible Hand. Don’t get your panties in a bunch; I’m talking about Facebook, guys! The word on the street is that Friday is Valentine’s Day, but I wouldn’t know because everyday is Valentine’s Day to me. That’s because Facebook is my Valentine, and it literally never lets me down/always treats me like a princess/makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world (in a sexy, not lonely way). Seriously, though, the act of poking combines mystery and the implication of interest to perfect effect. It’s simultaneously low-effort and high-impact—like Spanx! (For the purposes of this blurb, let’s overlook the article I read the other day whose headline was literally “Spanx Crushes Organs.” The only thing poking crushes is your crushes.) Say what you want to say, without saying anything at all. Because the only thing you’re saying is ;)

D: Back liking

A cute boy liking your 43rd profile picture can mean a lot of things. It’s flattering, no doubt, because there is nothing I want more than a stalker. (A stalker translates to, “you’ve made it!”) But a stalker also makes me anxious. It makes my stomach drop because please, I don’t want you to know what I looked like in high school. If you think I’m embarrassed by these old pictures, nope, LOL, not at all. I’m much more concerned that you’re going to see how much skinnier, tanner, and prettier I was—it’s hard to show being a better person, being more genuine, and being a better student in photos, but yeah those qualities too. I hate that a “suitor” can look at my old Cali beach pics and be like, “OMFG, she was so much hotter as a 15 year-old.” This worries me because (a) I don’t want you to think less of 2014 me, which at this point is inevitable, and (b) I don’t want my crush to also now legally be considered a pedophile. FRIEND ZONE, HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F: Human contact

Touching is literally gross. So let’s keep the fun over the Internet. One of my best friends dated a boy she met on Tumblr. That’s what I want. Let’s keep it long distance, because I’m really hot on Skype. My desk has studio lighting, and it should be used. I’ll fall asleep with my laptop open and leave our Skype window up. It’ll be like cuddling without all the cumbersome cuddling. See, you can watch me sleep. I’ll just be in the United States, and you’ll be in Kenya or Australia. It’s super chill that way. The only problem with this scenario is that it leaves a lot to social media, and I am objectively undatable if you only know me through Facebook, Twitter, and/or Instagram. Tit for tat.