Woooaaahhh. Have you seen Sterling yet? He looks soooo good! He must have done P90X this summer and started exfoliating because he looks hot. I love when people get sexier over the summer, and Sterling Memorial Library is exhibit A. Mr. Library has been running the gamut of Instagram accounts, but I haven’t even seen him in person yet because I don’t study. Seriously, though. Now Sterling looks as good as the people who get dressed up to study in Starr because that’s where every- one goes to be seen. No more R.L. Grime on the walls. Usually I do work in my bedroom, but my newly sacrosanct surroundings can now seamlessly complement the Gregorian Chant Pandora station that I turn on when I get sick of listening to Soundcloud. Plus, if I hook up with someone in the nave, I’ll only feel half as dirty! Maybe I’ll check it out sometime this semester—I’ll see you in the stacks.
D: Rationalizing your course schedule
Shopping period is the worst because it’s my two least favorite things combined. Take what you will from that, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that shop- ping period is stressful and painful, especially if you just want to have fun your first two weeks of school. But the silver lining of scheduling limbo is that once you have the 4.5 courses you want to take, you have to love them. No matter what. You have to make up all these goofy reasons as to why you’re taking what you’re taking. “Yeah, I’m taking this because I have to for my major,” or “I’m taking that because it’s a gut,” or “That’s supposed to be great be- cause I love this TA”—all plausible options. Then there’s the attachment you feel to a seminar that you got into for no other reason than the fact that you got into it. Whatever your excuse, remember that when you seal your schedule, you have to seal your alibis, too.
Fail: Conspicuous snaps
Snapchat isn’t for showing off. I do not Snapchat my zits, chins, and stacks of books I’m not gonna read to make you jealous. So when you Snapchat story the biddies you’re chatting with, I get it. You have friends, but don’t be so in my face about it! When you go to the city for whatever long weekend it is, and you at the mAnhAttAn geotag, I have FOMO because I know what- ever you’re having for dinner is going to be tastier and better received on Yelp than the salad I’m going to make in the com- fort of my home. Don’t even get me started on people who take Snapchats of beaches. Delete me on Snapchat if you’re going to taunt me with your lavishness without sharing. More chins, plz.
Illustration by Julia Kittle-Kamp