CREDIT: Winter lbs
It’s getting cold out and I’m starting to fatten myself up. How am I supposed to brave the cold without both my Canada Goose and my sophomore sixteen? I need that insulation, bro. It’s not because I’ve stopped working out or because I have body image issues, it’s because I need it. I love the love handles—move over, knit scarves, because there are the new hot accessory. Good ways to pack on weight include: eating normal portions in the dining hall, ordering any of the pre-made sandwiches at Gheav, and drinking the sugar-water that Elm City Kettle Corn uses as flavoring. I’ve been doing all three because I’m committed. Some say Ladies Love Cool J, but I say Ladies Love Fat Lumps. I’m really not sure if they do or if they don’t, but there’s only one way to find out.
D: Party buses to Cambridge
I’m sure my friends taking party buses to Cambridge are going to have a blast. After all, it’s the only time when drinking while driving is acceptable. And I sincerely hope all the buses have stripper polls and leather couches—those were only two of the features on my after-prom party bus senior year of high school. They aren’t all fun and games, though. First of all, motion sickness is a real thing. Second of all, functioning bathrooms on buses are not real things. Third of all, as party-bus-riders realize about 30 minutes into the journey, you can’t leave. I’ve never been, and do not plan on going to party where I can’t leave. Also isn’t partying the whole point of The Game? Must we party on our way to a party? If you’re on the bus, then yes you do have to party on your way. Otherwise, you’ll be sobder ona leather couch holding on to a stripper poll for balance.
I’m over guys. I give up! They’re such a-holes. All they care about is sports and partying and eating red meat. Have you ever even had a good conversation with a guy? I haven’t. I’m swearing off guys and I’m serious about it this time! Guys are so annoying about what I wear. Can a girl not wear tights without being stared at? Can’t I let my hair down anymore? Is this such a crime?! Seriously, I’m celibate now because I’m done with guys. Guys don’t care about how I feel or what I think and that’s not okay anymore. I have a lot to offer. I’m a catch, but any guy going fishing these days is going home empty handed. #SorryI’mNotSorry.