CREDIT: Vice President Linda Koch Lorimer
Well played, Linda. Well played. By extending Fall Break for two more days due to Hurricane Sandy, you’ve made yourself the favorite BWOC (Big Woman on Campus) at Yale. Don’t worry. This isn’t a critique. I’m already on board. (Lorimer for pres: if it ain’t Lorimer, it ain’t worth Koch!) It may be bold, but I’d go so far as to suggest that the BWOC of State and famed Yale Law alumna Hillary Clinton might have some competition in you. If the two of you ever happen to find yourselves trapped in a cage, forced to duke it out in front of the Yale student body, and I happen to find myself watching in whatever underground, administrative fight club this turns out to be, I know where my loyalties lie. Once you announced that Monday classes were canceled, Yalies lit sacrificial fires in your honor. Once you announced that Tuesday classes were canceled, GHeav named a sandwich after you, and a newborn child in LDub was awarded your hallowed name. I tip my hat to you.
D: Halloween Candy
You’re such a tease, Halloween candy, what with all this role-play. Why do I have to dress up to have you the way I want you? For an inanimate object, you’re pretty kinky. I get it, though. I get it. Everyone has his or her own thing. But I start feeling uncomfortable when you make children play your sick, twisted, sexy game. They’re so vulnerable, but maybe that’s just the way you want them. I mean, you can get the adults to play along with your Dominatrix rules. They’re happy to get in on the action. But children? Don’t you think it’s a bit early to be teaching kids that exposing a little skin in that Little Mermaid outfit or shaking a bit of tush in that Buzz Lightyear costume will earn them a sweetie? It leaves a bad taste in my mouth, almost as bad a taste as the Werther’s Original Caramel Hard Candies old people hand out to trick-or-treaters. They tell children Werther’s candies are just as good as Snickers, but I think they’re mostly just used to keep away Death and the Anti-Christ.
FAIL: No Attention for the Environment
I don’t claim to understand the complicated science that gave us the storm currently dominating the news cycle, this issue of the Herald, and small talk all over the Yale campus and the northeast. Were I to voice my belief/terror that there must be some sort of correlation and/or causation between global climate change and Sandy, you could rightly point out that I have no credentials to make such a claim. But I do know that the apocalyptic quality of the whole episode freaks me out and leaves me feeling that throughout the lead-up to the presidential election, the environment has been kinda shafted in favor of other issues. I mean, the other stuff is well and good until we’re swimming to class and living on dining hall brown-bag meals. Right now, faced with what feels like concrete evidence of weather patterns getting weird, I do not care for the fact that the environment has basically been ignored in all four debates. Also, sucks that it’s just a few days before the election and it takes an apocalyptic-feeling storm to make us talk climate change. Ugh.
— Maude Tisch