For the past three years, I have tried to be the best at something at Yale. Fucking finally, I have succeeded. I am best at Instagram, but no one cares about Instagram, so I am the best at partying for exercise. That’s not real? Fuck you, because it is, and I pay $40 a month so that a 5’3” Latina can tell me that by dancing along to Pitbull I am getting the best workout $40 a month can buy. I’m unsure why everyone doesn’t do this, because it’s actually the best. You’re putting yourself in a position where you can’t lose. It’s called opportunity cost. Opportunity: feeling sexy sweating in a room with 40-year old women who lack rhythm. Cost: gas to West Haven and re-living Toads every day of the week. WOADS is so over. Zumba is in. Get in while it’s still hipster. Pro Tip: go hungover, it’ll be like the party never stopped! Just say Mama Zumba sent you.
D: Hot TAs
OK, don’t pretend that in every situation you don’t look around the room ranking everyone you see on a scale of hot to me (or you—whatever). That’s why section is so important. It’s important because you have to be one of the top three hottest people in the room or you have to drop the class. That’s the rule. This is the exact reason I hate art history: there will always be hotter, richer people than you in a class about old white men who paint. I want to be that white man’s muse! What sucks more than a hot (and rich) peer is a hot TA, because your typical flirtation-for-an-A techniques won’t work. But consider this: they’ve never had to work for anything because they’re hot. They’re probably easy graders.
Don’t you wish you could wear something that would define your entire personality as boring? You wouldn’t even have to open your mouth because your waxed jacket could let everyone in on your little, big secret. Well, you Yalies can now rejoice, because it’s officially and unofficially fall again! You now no longer have to pretend that you like being tan. You can let that color fade, just like the color around the elbow creases of your Barbour. Whether you’re from New York City or a suburb of New York City, Yale loves you! And Yale definitely loves your classic $400 Beaufort. But don’t even worry! Fall Barbours are just a pre-game for winter Monclers and Canada Geese! Yippee!