Credit: Emails from your grandma
I am so glad that we had an interesting discussion at dinner, as you really brought me up to date, especially on mixed marriages. BIG article in the STYLE section on the subject. ALways good to keep your Grandparents au courant as I do want to know WhATs Happening in This World today and not stay only in the past.
Hope your studies are going well and that you can relax a tiny bit. And then you can come home and explain more. Love you so so much! ;) :/ (This is a whole new game for me. Who invented these Emoticons and who draws them. Looks like a whole new career for someone. Most impressive)
Again tons of love and Hugs Gma
D: Emails from your mom
Explain this; where does it say you tested negative for mono when this yale doctor told you it is mono? Is there another mono test that I missed. I don’t trust doctors on our plan thanks obama. And yes, Epstein’s Bar! maybe not mono tho. Dr. goldberg said it is mono. Was there a second mono test that is negative? I think mono. If so then you can tell me.! MONO. Swollen glands? and I want u to rest. Hope’s granddaughter has mono so.
Ps Small world; just ran into a man i knew–his grandson Brady yale do you know?. He never was a rocket scientist. Father a dentist. Jewish. Didn’t go to dazzling school but just ok. Always was charming and personable and very pleasant and jewish. Good looking. When mono is done. I know you say MOM! but ok, That is my job to be scolded by my daughters
Fail: Emails from your ex
Hey [Insert vaguely sentimental and unnecessary nickname],
Thought of you when I was watching [piece of internet content carefully selected to pepper your subconscious with generically crappy musings about every romantic decision you ever made]. [Insert really not subtle way of saying that he misses you and also your family dog Chester who he met once and is now dead like your relationship]. I’m really [expression of condolences that are really meant to highlight his own ability to empathize with others].
If you’re ever around [insert invitation to do some activity he would probably enjoy like getting coffee or worshipping Satan]. Don’t worry, I’m [purposeful confession that he is dating the poor freshman girl you saw on his ‘Recently Added’ friend list from a facebook stalking binge session last month]. I’m really [expression of smug happiness meant to make you feel worse about yourself] and hope you are too.
[Ironic sign off involving warmth]
[Generic Jewish male name your relatives keep asking about]