From the Most Illustrious Sovereign Duchy of Pierson College
To the Upstart Pretender-State That Styles Itself ‘Yale University’
We, the free and sovereign people of Pierson College, hereby announce our secession, effective immediately, from the false kingdom of ‘Yale University.’
For too long have we endured taunts, insults, and ridicule from the denizens of Yale. For too long have we been derisively told we are ‘too far away to visit.’ And, worst of all, for too long have we heard the hateful sentence: “Where even is Pierson College?”
No longer! We now know that it doesn’t have to be this way. We have watched, with growing hope and exultation, the independence struggles, and final triumphs, of our brothers and sisters in the Most Illuminated Margrave of Silliman and the Exalted Barony of Timothy Dwight. Now, our time has come.
We hold no illusions, of course, that the imperialistic tendencies of Yale will allow us to secede unhindered, and we are fully prepared to resist any invasion. Our mighty ramparts overflow with brawny Footballers wielding the fierce hockey sticks of justice, and within our walls are housed trebuchets built by our finest mathematicians (those few that have bravely resisted the depredations of the vile Barony of Science Hill).
And, dear denizens of Yale, we have quite the trump card. I regret to inform you that, as of this morning, the mythical beast, the rallying cry that unites all Yale, the symbol of all that you cherish, is in our power.
That’s right. We have Handsome Dan.
Should we be allowed to peacefully secede, and suffer no further interference from Yale, all will be well, and your hound will be released into your custody forthwith. But should we get even an inkling of opposition to our demands – let me remind you of Sasha Pup’s mysterious departure from Yale. What we did once, we can do again.
The free people of Pierson College await your response.
Sic semper Yale main campus.