Summer opportunities for Yale bros

Credit: Help high schoolers with college apps:

Have you ever wanted to start your own cult? With admission rates to elite universities dropping like Econ 115 students during midterm season, this is your chance to lead anxious high schoolers into the light. College admission season is chaos: a world full of creaming, flying transcripts, and high-achieving 11th graders roaming the streets like acne-riddled wolves. But, there is a solution to the bedlam: YOU, Yale student! (Cue heavenly thunder) Hundreds of thousands of members need your expertise in becoming the 6%. This quest is like the Hunger Games because children get no food until their SAT scores reach 2320! You’re not only their mentor; you’re their literal god because this is a cult, okay? Benefits include as many lamb carcasses as you like sacrificed at the altar of higher learning aka your Cambridge-Oxford apartment. Potential drawbacks may include tiger mothers putting a bounty on your head should their kid not actually get into HYP.

D: Study at the London School Of Economics:

You know what’s one step up from getting #turnt in Cambridge at Harvard-Yale? Doing coke at Cambridge. Welcome to LSE: Let’s See England! The experience includes all of the things one does in classes, except it’s summer, people find your American accent endearing, and you’re out an additional 10,000 dollars. While it might be a steep cost, your dad can pay for it, and the cultural ~worldliness~ you can now put on your resume is beyond worth the cha-ching. Tea-time? More like T-HC time! We kid (JK Rowling); sadly, pot is not above the law in the UK. But you know what IS legal in England? Prostitution. That’s right, go beyond your wildest imagination and breach those sexual horizons. Come back with a weird affect in your voice and infinite stories about that one time you asked a woman about her crumpet. Cons include having to call the toilet the loo and the fact that stray animals probably harbor diseases besides rabies.

Fail: Work for Stephen Schwarzman

Do you love being a part of Yale Undergraduate Diversified Investments? Well, take YUDI, subtract Yale, women, and regulations and add MORE cocaine than is present at a Skull and Bones open tomb party. Finance! This could be your summer: fathering Powerpoint presentations, snorting addy, and comparing girths with your analyst class! Some people complain about the lack of sleep, but what we’d be nervous about is the literal Black Stone treatment: a pathway of coals that non-closers have to shame-walk on. Of course, if you make it past Excel training, Stephen Schwarzman will also give you a personal laydown of the llumi-naughty, his stripdance group for go-getters over 40. Employee benefits are access to a company car, a ten-dollar lunch credit, and talking about stimulating growth in the private sector in your Tinder bio. Downsides include leaving this summer with a raging upper addiction and possibly getting knifed by Goldman bros for your exit opps.

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