How good are Yalies at dating? In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, and in celebration of romance, this reporter (yours truly) resolved to go on dates with seven different Yalies on seven consecutive days. Read on for the exclusive love journal, a veritable Odyssey of romance!
February 7 – Computer Science Major
She promised a lovely candlelit dinner and assured I’d have everything I wanted, but when I got to the Treffpunkt I was greeted by a moldy, spider-infested cupboard containing a broken calculator and what appeared to be the desiccated corpse of Charles Light ’84 (that’s 1884). When I questioned my date, she replied that there was a “funding problem” that kept us from having the date I was promised. She then proceeded to curl up into the fetal position and whisper “Stack Overflow” over and over again until I left.
February 8 – American Studies Major
It was apparent from the beginning that he was not taking this date seriously at all; he showed up late, texted on his phone the entire time, and was unable to correctly calculate the 20 percent tip on a $100 bill. Worse, he made no effort to get to know me; when I tried to explain my hobbies, he stopped me and told me a list was sufficient, and that I should “keep it survey.” When I voiced my displeasure, he calmly told me it didn’t matter; apparently, he was taking this date C/D/F.
February 9 – Andover Alum
I agreed to go on a date with this woman because she informed me that, back in the 80s, his father had gone on a date with my mother; apparently, according to Yale regulations, this fact obligated me to go on a date with him. Seemed very promising at first, but grew more tiresome over the course of the evening, and eventually refused to talk about anything but economics. Date was cut short when she was called to a Goldman Sachs interview.
February 10 – Directed Studies student
This date started well, and she seemed really smart and thoughtful. Five minutes in, though, she was unable to answer basic questions about my interests. It became clear she had read only the first and last lines of my Tinder bio and assumed she could extrapolate the intervening portion. I think the moment I gave up was when she used the words “ontology,” “historiography,” “nation-state,” and “meta-ethics” (twice) in one sentence, the purpose of which was to request a glass of water.
February 11 – Directed Studies student majoring in Physics
Similar to the preceding date, except, much like the Second World War, horrible on two fronts.
February 12 – Skull and Bones member
I arrived to find (quite off-puttingly, I might add) that my date for the night was not alone. He was surrounded by men and women in well-tailored suits and ridiculous masquerade masks who proceeded to draw a pentagram on the floor with me in the center of it and chant in Latin, Aramaic, and Klingon. I read in next morning’s paper that Exxon stock had gained some 25 percent, and that a civil war had broken out in Tanganyika.
He wasn’t a half-bad kisser, though.
February 13 – Stephen A. Schwarzman
He took me to the fanciest restaurant in town and promised me even greater things. I was ecstatic, until he told me that in exchange for his paying the bill, I would have to change my name to Reporter@The Schwarzman Center.