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Yale Security PSA

To the Yale Community,

As you may have heard, jaywalking on Elm St. between College St. and York St. is now a misdemeanor. Numerous Yale students have already been ticketed for this offense. In light of the success of the new measure in cutting down such behavior, Yale Security has decided to roll out a list of new regulations intended to make Yale a safer place for all of us.

1.) Jaywalking on Elm St. is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be ticketed.

2.) Texting ‘U up?’ to a fellow student is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be given remedial romantic coaching.

3.) Asking uncomfortable questions about the jaywalking ban is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be ticketed.

4.) Volunteering that you are in Directed Studies is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be forced to major in Computer Science.

5.) Lying that you are in Directed Studies is not a misdemeanor. It is merely very, very sad.

6.) Refusing to tell Susan D. Cahan, Associate Dean for the Arts, what you are up to this weekend is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be executed, then ticketed.

7.) Kidnapping Peter Salovey and transporting him to an electronics factory in Tianjin, China, is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be afforded leniency if they come forward and tell us just how they got him into that packing crate.

8.) Lending your Beats to someone in Sterling is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be sufficiently punished by the indignity that arises from spending all their time in Sterling and from owning Beats.

9.) Writing a list of newly-created misdemeanors is now a misdemeanor. Offenders will be punished by being forced to work for the Herald.

Sincerely,

Chief Ronnell A. Higgins

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