1. When in doubt, turn to “Friday Night Lights.”
I’m serious! It’s foolproof. Tim Riggins is a “Running Back,” so sprinkle that word around. And Matt Saracen is the quarterback! I think that means he’s popular. Maybe talk about how Jason Street broke his neck from a bad tackle? And just like the fact that you know what a tackle is?
2. Pretend you’re in a football movie of any kind!
I’m serious, y’all—this will also work. Call the football players “gentlemen” when you see them. Ever-so-slightly nod. Chew some gum and squint your eyes. Wear aviators. Rage against society’s unfair prejudices. Try and save your down-on-it’s-luck small hometown. Act dignified and proud of our boys out there on the field. Pretty soon people will be asking you why the heck everyone is cheering.
3. Scream bloody murder whenever anything remotely important seems to happen.
So you don’t watch “Friday Night Lights” or other football media. You’re an uncultured monster, but it’s okay! This works just as well. No matter how small the event, I want to hear you guys screaming like crazy. Use your diaphragm. Project! People will turn to you first in horror, but then respect. They’ll think, wow, that person really gives a crap about football. I didn’t think that was anything to cheer about, but they clearly know what the hell they’re doing. All it takes is confidence.
4. Tailgate like there’s no tomorrow.
Need help with that confidence? If you’re over 21 in the state of Massachusetts, the tailgate will be perfect for you. You know what people who know what the hell they’re doing on Game day do? TAILGATE! So follow their lead! Let’s see some crazy costumes, multiple drunk performances of “Wobble” by V.I.C., and beer spilt literally everywhere. You’re going to be so goddamn confident—just you wait.
5. Nobody cares!
Literally everyone else over 21 in the state of Massachusetts is going to be just as confident as you are! So no one will remotely notice if you don’t know what’s going on. Because here’s the secret: neither do they.