Berkeley

Berkeley autumn intramurals ended this week, giving other colleges a chance to retrieve and bury their casualties from the IM fields. Thundercock athletes look forward to a welcome respite before the winter season, during which they can recuperate from their many injuries inflicted in the line of duty as they consistently put life and limb on the line for the sake of Tyng glory. The fall injury report:

Greg Barnett: Pulled hamstring

Chase Niesner: Broken Arm

Zach Kafoglis: Strained Oblique

Tommy Meyerson: Broken Nose

Wade Hadley-Campbell: Broken Toenail

Mike Kurland: Sprained Vocal Chord

Kat Woodfield: Paralysis of the appendix

Jasjit Singh: Pingpong Elbow

Noah Kleinberg: Cancer

Andrene Dabaghi: Broken Fibulus

Sam Miles: Bruised Ego

Rachel Chen: Whiplash

All these players hope to make it back to full strength by the end of Thanksgiving break, at which point more Thundercocks will crowd like lemmings around the cliff of eternal glory.

(Compiled by Grand Ayatollah Khamenei)

Calhoun

I don’t know if you’ve noticed. The leaves are turning, and some are even gone, but does that even mean anything these days? It’s not even cold out. There’s no snow on the ground. But at some point, everyone will just have to recognize the inevitable: Winter is upon us. And with winter comes Calhoun IM Domination.

It’s an unbreakable chain of logic. What can we say, if it involves a basketball or bowling ball, Calhoun is literally unstoppable. Last year, we surged up the charts after that elongated practice round otherwise known as the fall season. But now we’re roaring and ready to go.

Led by our Women’s Basketball team, who is looking to extend their championship streak to four (YES, they really have won the championship the last three years in a row), Calhoun will be out in force. Let’s not even start talking about Calhoun’s mastery of bowling, led by Colin “Darcy” Alexander ’11. There’s really no point in even competing this year. You might as well just go bowling for the heck of it, for if you actually try, your soul will be crushed. And that is a fact.

(Compiled by the Houn Fire)

Davenport

In the oasis of intramural talent that is Davenport, fall brings change and winter season training camps.

The Dport Men’s Soccer team played a bittersweet final game against Silliman, winning shorthanded but also saying goodbye to two extraordinary players. Roger “Beer beer beer beer beer beer beer” Kim ’10 and Aaron “Z” Zelinksy ’06 LAW ’10 each played in their last men’s soccer game. With tears in their eyes, the two legendary gnomes embraced after the game and promised each other never to forget the many autumns they shared stomping on opposing soccer teams. Though they both will be missed on the pitch, Roger and Z look forward to finding out what the hell there is to life besides Davenport soccer.

While other IM squads recover from their Tofurkey hangovers this winter, be prepared for Davenport to dominate the courts, rinks, and pools. Expect casual alley-oop dunks from our hoops teams, inner-tube prodigies in the water polo pools, and frequent volleyballs to the face from our formidable hitters. And tell your goalies to watch their five-holes.

(Compiled by Gnomes Frolicking in the Leaves)

Jonathan Edwards

TD began its most recent IM blurb with a lame nursery rhyme, and concluded it with the most devastating insult it could think of: “JE is not invincible.”

At this point, you have to pity these TDers. The same writer who called JE “not invincible” would probably have pointed out that Einstein was “not omniscient,” that Shakespeare was “not Erato, muse of poetry,” and that Eric Jones JE ’12 is “not, technically speaking, a separate landmass.”

Flap your gums all you like, you notorious gum-flappers; Jonathan Edwards is the only college with the numerical right to trumpet its prowess. Maybe if you took a quick break from your daily gum-flapping regimen, you would realize that too.

Now, I know many of you are hoping that JE’s success will breed complacency. But “complacency” is a word alien to the Jonathan Edwards vocabulary. Seriously, one-twelfth of Yale University has no idea what this paragraph is about. Our lean and hungry winter teams are poised to strike you with the combined force of a blizzard, an avalanche, a hailstorm, and a highway closure.

Feeling depressed? Here’s a little nursery rhyme to cheer you up:

Little Miss Timothy Dwight

Sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider

Who beat the bejeezus out of her

(Compiled by a really scary Mother Goose)

Morse

On Mon., Nov. 9, 2009, the valiant Morse IM coed football team played Berkeley in the final game of the 2009 Fall Intramural season. Without its leader, quarterback, captain, and all-around beast, Joe Hsu ’10, Morse faced an uphill battle. The game began as a defensive struggle, with the half ending in the score of 0-0. In the first play of the second half, Peter Clune ’10 found Andrew Patrick ’12 for a quick strike that went for a touchdown. For the rest of half, the quarterback combo of Clune and Jeff Hatten ’12 moved the Walruses down the field with a hurry-up offense. After Berkeley tied it up at 7, Hatten found Clune in the back of the end zone for another touchdown. Berkeley again tied it up at 14, and the game went into overtime. The “Ginger Trio” of Clune, Sean Beckett ’12, and Kaitlin Kelly ’10 along with Hannah Waldenberger ’11 held the Berkelians scoreless in their five attempts score. Then, it was Morse’s turn. After a few plays which got Morse within 10 yards of victory. On the last play of the season, a play that would either end the Walrus’ season with a bitter draw or with glorifying triumph, Clune threw a bullet to Hatten in the back corner of the end zone. Despite taking a vicious hit from an abnormally large Berkelian, Hatten managed to drag his foot inbounds for the game winning score.

(Compiled by the Cult of the Walrus)

Silliman

Moving into fourth place and clinching the women’s championship in soccer, Silliman is setting up for the winter (and eternal glory). It’s been an outstanding (9-1-1) season for the STD soccer team (Mari Mobley ’12, Quyen Slotznick ’11, Maeve Ricaurte ’13, Erin Taner ’11, Katie Ruffing ’13, Catherine Thomas ’11, Sarah Ballatori ’11, Zoe LaPalombara ’13, Marisa Kefalidis ’12, Kerry Rippy ’12, Anna North ’13, Caroline Dewing ’12), with MVP performances from goalies Neema Patel ’12 and Jess Moore ’13, goals upon goals from Lauren Eyler ’11, and pure aggression from McKaye “Zidane” Neumeister ’12. Other knockout Fall performances came from the Allouche brothers ’10 and ’13, Tsega Bekele ’10, Mike Walden ’12, Charlie Croom ’12, Brent Muller ’11, the Ruwe brothers ’11 and ’13, Emma Vawter ’10, Steph Kent ’12, Gordon Moseley ’12, Hayden Stein ’13, Dong Won Lee ’12, Zach Graham ’13, Adrian Latortue ’10, Mike Zhan ’12, Ezra Marcus ’10, Alex Andrews ’11, Laynie Johnson ’12, David Curtis ’11, Arsi Sefaj ’11, Carolyn Brown ’13, Pete Croughan ’12, Matt Sheehan ’11, Kevin Hu ’11, Jake Cohen ’12, Harry Koulos ’11, Heather Smith ’11, the Naratil twins ’11 and ’11, Alex Anzalone ’10, Eian Katz ’13, Alexander Kayfetz-Guam ’12, Audrey Ballard ’13, Mathilde Williams ’11, and Jamie Biondi ’12.

(Compiled by a champion who likes lists)