IM Roundup

Berkeley

Eleven other colleges recoiled in anticipated pain and misery as Berkeley rumbled back onto the field/court/ping-pong table to kick off the fall intramural season, which Sports Illustrated described last month as “Berkeley’s for the taking.”

The BK locker room was electrified this past week with the news that Usain Bolt would be counted among several Olympic medal-winners to sign with the Thundercocks, though it is yet to be seen whether he will see much playing time on rosters deep with freakishly athletic freshmen. The team to watch out for this season is golf, captained by Berkeley’s master, Prof. Marvin Chun, who will supply a powerful drive and psychological mind tricks to foil opponents. Finally, Miss Christine of the Berkeley dining hall will be providing one-on-one lessons on Tuesdays in preparation for Yale’s newest sport, IM Fight Club—no gloves required

(Compiled by the Flower Lady)

Calhoun

Ladies and Gentlemen of those eleven lesser colleges, I wish to welcome you to the dawn of a new day in Calhoun Intramural history. Like a phoenix rising from the flames, Calhoun’s inferno has arisen from the ashes, and all shall bask in the glory of her ascendance.

Calhoun, stretching from the notorious days of the old Trolley Car itself, has a long and storied tradition of IM domination. Last year, the mighty Inferno decimated the Coed Tennis competition, leaving the opposition parched and longing for some water to salve their scorched egos. Our various nemeses suffered similar defeats in the myriad other fall sports.

To the many freshmen that have so recently joined this wonderful community that we lovingly refer to as home, take it upon yourself to light that spark within you. The upperclassmen that have come before you have provided as much kindling as we possibly can. We have toiled long and hard, persevering through the long nuclear winter that was Swing Space. It is up to you, the Class of 2013, to deliver us to the Promised Land. It is up to you to light the fire beneath us and ignite the Almighty Inferno

(Compiled by the elder sons and daughters of the Mother Houn)

Davenport

Well, I could talk about the economic crisis, or about my health care bill, or about my wife’s sense of fashion, but I have heard your voice, America: you want me to talk about Davenport IMs, so DavenSports it is.

So, word on the street is that Davenport has a sick nasty freshman class. I thought to myself, “Well, if they’re so good, maybe I should go watch them kick some derriere.” Now, I’m a busy man, but thanks to the Patriot Act, I was able to get my hands on several intel documents regarding this surge of athletic talent in Davenport, and boy was I stunned. Davenport had 20 players attend both of its soccer games, and it most recently posted a 5-2 victory over Morse (or was it Stiles? Meh, I won’t be bogged down with such trivialities). The freshmen, led by DavenCarl and ChrisPort, have played an integral role in these matches, and according to the report, FC Davenport ’32 has a great chance of hoisting the trophy at season’s end.

Now, I call on all you patriotic, freedom-loving Gnomies to play Davenport IMs. They’re the best

Plus, I’ll write you a stimulus check if you do

(Compiled by Barry Obama)

Jonathan Edwards

Moving from tenth to second in but one school year? Most people would be satisfied with that, but not the INTRAMANIACS of JE. They’ve started this season with an impressive undefeated week. How does one college go from bottom-dweller to IM juggernaut so quickly? In our professional opinion, there can be only one explanation: a dedicated off-season steroids program. Let’s look at all the signs. All 17 girls who showed up for women’s soccer last week had insane stamina and speed. Kisho Watanabe, JE ’11 is showing off his improved agility (and newfound back acne), and Eric Jones, JE ’12, has bigger biceps but a tinier, um… never mind, we wouldn’t know anything about that. Anyway, JE is not going to settle for second again, and we believe that, unless a testing program is implemented immediately JE will be running away with the Tyng Cup this year

(Compiled by Barry Bonds’ nutritionists)

Morse

Once upon a time, on a wonderful sunny day (last Wednesday, to be specific) the Epic Morse-Stiles women’s soccer team encountered the “Say-bulls.” It may have looked to be nerve-wrackingly close in score early in the game, but the few spectators of the game (ok, the only spectator, the ref) couldn’t foresee the courageous bodily sacrifice that Jessica “I can keep playing” Zhang, MC ’13, made. Although the bloody nose kept her from returning to the field and kicking axe in the typical Morse fashion, it did inspire the rest of the team to kick it up a notch in her honor.

Returning to the field as power-houses were Jaya, who held down the defense, and Beza, who easily took the ball around anyone brave enough to try to guard her. She might act modest, but don’t let her fool you! The S’morse (Stiles-Morse) score tripled from two to six when she subbed in for the last five minutes. Now that’s impressive. With the great freshman turn-out, this soccer team is sure to keep up its amazing record. No bloody-noses will keep us down

(Compiled by the Cult of the Walrus)

Silliman

13 reasons why Silliman will win the Tyng Cup

Start of the season? No big deal, Silliman’s already won all two of its games

IM XC can’t handle Captain Heather Smith, SM ’11, who recently ran to QPac and back (approx. 18 miles). For fun

Largest courtyard = largest makeshift practice soccer field

Lions prosper in habitats with daily temperatures of 75-100 degrees Fahrenheit. Summer’s over in New Haven, TD

It’s impossible to spell Silliman without IM. Enough said

Moore, Jess, SM ’13—in her first time in the soccer net, this all-star goalie made huge saves for a big win

Allouche, Adam, SM ’10—the Allouche brother-brother combo is not only adorable, but deadly

New volleyball court in our courtyard can only lead to complete volleyball domination

Allouche, Alex, SM ’13—see Allouche, Adam

No afternoon varsity football practice means unlimited coaching for our 4-peat champion Co-ed Football team

Domination and salamander both derive from Latin. Coincidence? No

Early SilliFreshmen Olympics means early scouting of the amazing ’13 talent. Now if only there were IM Chubby Bunny

Rainy days: salamanders are amphibious creatures fond of autumn rains. Were you worried that your axes would rust last week, Mors

(Compiled by Mythical Fire Creatures)

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