Calhoun

First it was Kentucky, Indiana, and Illinois. Then it was Australia, Africa, and South America. Finally, with the last grains of sand quickly flowing through the hourglass, chiffon was guessed, and victory was at hand.

Calhoun was put through the gauntlet, and the mighty Houn proved triumphant. In these dreary days of meteorological indecision, only the mindless and the overrated feel the need to compensate on the IM fields. Calhoun has dominated Coed Football, the only true fall field sport. She has nothing else to prove, for she is ascendant in the only metric that matters.

Instead, she has embraced the modern era of shelter, artificial lighting, and central heating. She has filled her stomach with delicious sundaes, hot chocolate, and all the Halloween candy she could ever want. She has taken a break from her packed social life and her rigorous academic career. Calhoun has instead embraced the glory, the magnificence, the sheer nirvana that is John C.’s Jamboree.

She contorted on the Twister mat, conquered the world of Risk, cornered the market of Monopoly, and beat the buzzer of Taboo. Calhoun yet again affirmed her now unquestionable prowess and self-confidence, leaving the other colleges to lament their unenviable fates as more of the same lost Toadies that all too often end their nights in DUH.

Compiled by the Admiral who just sunk your battleship

Davenport

As Halloween approaches, the question on everyone’s mind is, “what should I dress up as?” Fear not, my friends! This year, look no further than the scarily good Davenport IM players for ideas. Without further ado, the D-port line of 2009 Halloween costumes:

The Ellen “Get Low” Lohe ’11: Seemingly sweet and kind, unleash her on a ping-pong table and her slams will collapse the table, literally. (See last week’s ping pong victory for a demonstration).

The Peter “Jazzy” Jasinski ’12: Don’t be fooled by the short frame. This leaping lord steals the ball off the tips of Silliman’s towering defenders for epic 80 yd touchdowns. Or his trusty sidekick:

The Nick “I’ma gonna getcha” Leppla ’11: When not ruling the varsity lax pitch, this Coed Football superstar is breaking ankles with his jukes on the field, and breaking hearts with his looks off it. Last but not least:

The Dan “I skip seminar for IM’s” Geoffrion ’10 and Jerry “Rice” Wang ’13 duo:

just think of the Bash Brothers McGwire and Conseco, but tall, skinny, and not on anabolic steroids.

So this Saturday, when you see us in our maroon IM uniforms, don’t bother asking,

“What are you dressed as?” The answer is plain and simple: Domination.

Compiled by the Ghost of Gnomes Past

Jonathan Edwards

As the fall season draws to a close, JE would like to congratulate its undefeated Coed Football team on a thoroughly well-deserved championship. In the hustle and bustle of intramural games, we too often forget the humble, amiable spirit at the heart of amateur competition—a spirit embodied by every member of this storied squad. People like Eric “Gentle Giant” Jones, Steph “Politesse” Wagner, Matt “Tasteful Discretion” Choy, and Kisho “Cincinnatus” Watanabe won their games with grace and distinction, foregoing the childishness of IM trash talk for sportsmanship, camaraderie, and good hard play. Such noble efforts deserve far more than our congratulations—they deserve our continuous emulation.

The remainder of this column will be devoted to various insulting things the letters “TD” could stand for:

Talent Deficiency.

Tearful Dejection.

Tangible Desperation.

Toothless Doodyheads.

Tolkienesque Dwarves.

Toothless Dwarves.

Tolkienesque Doodyheads.

Trampled Ducklings.

Tranquilized Dodos.

Tortoise Droppings.

Toilet Drinkers.

And finally, the least flattering epithet of all—Timothy Dwight.

Compiled by Miss Manners

Morse

The little team that could? Captain Mike “I Think We Can” Samsel ’11 certainly believes so. Though Morse has yet to come away with a win in Coed Table Tennis, the tides appear to be turning. After dropping the first matches of the season, Morse has battled back and come away with two ties. With only two games remaining in the season, the axe-kicking Morsels are getting ready for a win. Anticipation is high for the remainder of the season as the ever-changing Table Tennis team prepares to meet the foes of Pierson and Berkeley.

Despite dropping two games in September, the S’Morse (Stiles-Morse) Women’s Soccer Team is back and ready to defend their rightful rank as champions. Led by captain Hannah “Kicking Axe and Taking Names” Waldenberger ’11, this is a team with both power and finesse. Therefore, it comes of no surprise to anyone familiar with the S’Morse team that they have taken their defeats personally and vowed to never let it happen again. Even though it is nearing the end of the season, intensity is high and spirits are good. After all, this is a team that plays for the love of the game…but winning sure doesn’t hurt.

Compiled by The Cult of the Walrus

Silliman

If you visited Silliman’s Haunted House this week, you saw a lot of Michael Jackson—and the Silliman basement’s not all the King of Pop’s been haunting. The tennis team moonwalked into a fight for semi-finals, “Billie Jean” King-style with guest appearances from the “Unbreakable” Master K. Our opponents “Don’t Walk Away” from the courts, they RUN away—in fear.

Our Ping Pong team saw the return of Ronik “Smooth Criminal” Bhangoo ’10 and Gordon “Pretty Young Thing” Moseley ’12 more clearly than MJ’s ghost on Larry King. We managed to squeak out a win against Berkeley’s empty dance card to prove that “We Are the World” and continue our winning streak.

Women’s soccer pulled off a “Thriller” of a win to “Jam” into first place with two amazing goals from Lauren “Lovely One” Eyler ’11, leaving JE/Branford “Speechless.” Football won’t put up with any “Monkey Business” with “Off the Wall” touchdowns and “Sunset Drive”-s down the field from Mike “Dangerous” Walden ’12, Kerry “Heartbreaker” Rippy ’12, Duan “Invincible” Zhang ’13, and McKaye “Speed Demon” Neumeister ’12. With Michael on our side, it’s clear that when you’re playing against Silliman, “You Can’t Win.”

Compiled by a “Dancing Machine” still exhausted from the Safety Dance