If you ask an outsider, Pierson College has a problem.

The P.I.M.P.s (Pierson Intra-Mural Players), the second most decorated in the Tyng Cup era, has been stuck in last place for over a year now, and finished in twelfth at the end of the 2008-2009 season. Though this would send many IM secretaries into hysterics, Justin Berk, PC ’10 (a retired IM Sec from last year), and Alice Walton, PC ’10, handled it with laughter and indomitable optimism.

The last place finish wasn’t unexpected, but the year didn’t start off as bleak as it turned out. “We didn’t think it would wind up that way points-wise. We were in sixth for part of the fall season,” Berk said. Still, there were bad signs early on, and as Walton put it, it all came down to football. “Our coed football team was 4-0 and start, and then died after a string of three forfeits. The Men’s Football team also struggled through the season. Dead teams really hurt us.”

Berk believes that it wasn’t as bad as it looked. The Pirates always had some fight left in them. “We always had skill. We kept a high spirit, but recruitment issues and dead teams made it difficult to stay competitive in the Tyng standings.” In addition, Pierson finished the fall season only 53 points behind Calhoun, still close enough to pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

So the Pierson IM intelligentsia devised a plan to pull off the greatest upset in IM history. At the outset of the winter season, they redoubled recruiting efforts in an attempt to keep forfeits as low as possible and prevent the death of any teams. It was a highly successful battle plan, except for one critical facet: winning. Having lost the Class of 2008’s undefeated hockey team, the Piersonites still struggled to get a firm footing in the winter.

With the start of the spring season, the deed was done. Pierson and Calhoun were bringing up the rear in eleventh and twelfth place, respectively. In Berk’s words “[Calhoun] was an outlier from the pack, and we were an outlier from them. Still, up to the very last week, I had hope.” As the death bell tolled, the PIMPs grieved with IM blurbs that passed over intramural achievements and opted for sexual innuendo and puns. Yet from this tragedy came triumph.

Walton explained that my point-driven outlook was misguided. “The focus of Pierson IMs has never been points. We’re more about the social aspects of IMs: meeting people, having a good time, and the camaraderie of sport.” Walton said, “Regardless of winning, it’s about whether you can have a smile on your face on the bus home.” Berk also pointed out that the problem with Pierson is that the students are too great. “Piersonites are too busy saving kittens from trees, building orphanages in Kenya, curing the world’s diseases, and kissing babies to play IMs. I just wish other colleges would appreciate our greatness.”

The two secretaries also have big plans for the future. “The freshmen are bringing in a lot of excitement and raw talent, but it’ll take a while for them to gain the experience they need,” Walton stated. In addition, Pierson is bringing in consultants from McKinsey, BCG, and Bain (which are full of all the people who were too busy “doing work” to play IMs) to provide new strategies for success, or whatever it is that people who work at consulting firms do. The Pirates are also instituting a new program, the Pierson Clandestine services, meant to undermine all other colleges’ intramural success through carefully planted agents. With all of this innovation, Berk guaranteed that Pierson IMs will be good in four years time.

As the interview wound down, the two secretaries explained that I was seeing the beginning of a new day. Pierson is the Rocky to your Apollo Creed. The USA to your USSR in the Miracle on Ice. I’m witnessing the point in Remember the Titans when the football team sings “My Girl” in the locker room, or the scene in a porno where the girl says, “You want to come in?” Berk and Walton assure me that Pierson is the real-life equivalent of The Little Giants, Braveheart, Space Jam, The Mighty Ducks, and The Big Green, with a little Bad News Bears for good measure.

I wouldn’t put it past them, but I sure wouldn’t bet on it.