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9. Best friend-making strategy

In the months leading up to my first semester of college, people—adults mostly—told me not to worry about making friends, because it would just happen. That’s a lie. Making friends requires small talk, and small talk is a skill, one I’m not very good at. Since arriving on campus, though, I’ve begun to notice some of the many friend-making alternatives to small talk. Here are some tips I’ve picked up these last few months, mostly in my common room, in no particular order:

1. Hug. Save that handshake for an interview or something. If you’re not sure how it’ll go over, ask, “Are you a hugger?” No one ever says no, but sometimes they need a little warning.

2. Describe a recent STD test. Really breaks the ice. Make ’em squirm a little with a gonorrhea diagnosis before screaming “FAKE OUT!”

3. Buy a ping pong table to entertain your new friends, because God forbid you should play beer pong on a regular table without a net.

4. Buy a poker table when that net proves problem- atic, because God forbid you should play poker on a regular table not covered in leather and felt.

5. Advertise your weekly rager on the freshman class Facebook page. That’s literally what it’s there for.

6. When you’re having new friends over, always say “yes” when they ask if they can pee in your shower/sink.

Aaaand that should just about do the trick. Personally, I’ve just bucked up and forced small talk. I have about six friends, so it’s all good.