Touched for the very first time.

In the spirit of Safety Dance, I thought I’d do a bit of research on everyone’s favorite and oh-so-flattering 80′s material: spandex!

Sadly, I discovered that spandex really isn’t from the 80′s. The development of spandex began in World War II, when chemists began trying to find a synthetic replacement for rubber, and the first spandex fibers were produced in the 1950s. Spandex fibers are superior to rubber because they are “stronger, lighter, and more versatile”–they can be stretched up to almost 500% of their length!  By my calculations, that means that an outfit that would normally be fives times too small for you will fit perfectly is it’s made of spandex. After all, spandex is an anagram of the word “expands.”

This magical fabric also has many uses you were probably unaware of.  These include zentai, surgical hose, wrestling singlets, microbead pillows, and fulfilling all of the sexual fantasies of those of us who suffer from “spandex fetish.”

Despite spandex’s 1950s industrial origins, I’ll probably still be wearing metallic spandex pants tomorrow night.  It’s not like I have 3 pairs or anything.

1. 100% american apparel

Most of the people sweating in Commons tomorrow night will be decked out head to toe in brand new items from New Haven’s favorite spandex boutique. It doesn’t matter if metallic leggings have very little connection to the 1980s, or if you aren’t used to shelling out $60 for a t-shirt that’s way too short… anything you get here is acceptable for this party. Just be prepared to run into everyone and their suitemate in the sweatshirt section tomorrow afternoon.

2. salvo authentic

Others will eschew the artificial 80′s look for something a little more authentic, opting to buy clothes at Salvation Army that really might be from the decade when shoulder pads were mandatory. Look for bold prints, awkward bows, and potentially some acid washed jeans.

3. workout clothes

Another surefire costume favored by Yalies from TD to Pierson is the “aerobics class” look, because it is common knowledge that all people wore athletic clothing all the time, on all occasions, in the 80′s. Key items are the leotard, running shorts over tights, leg warmers, sweat bands, cut up t-shirts, and tank tops. Similar to the AmerAppar look, this option is subtly different… it says, “I’m wearing what you bought this afternoon but it came out of my gym bag.”

4. neon colors

Of course, sometimes inspiration for outfits is hard, which is why many people simply go with a neon color scheme. These clothes can be anything– dresses, bike shorts, socks, anything, as long as they are painful to look at for too long. The outfits are high energy and usually kind of hilarious, but you also have permission to avert your eyes if they start to burn.

5. just accessories

Last but not least, some partygoers will have entirely forgotten that Safety Dance was happening amid midterms and important campus events. Instead of purchasing special clothing, they will instead dress in relatively normal clothes but add MAD accessories, including, but not limited to: sunglasses, scrunchies, leg warmers, large earrings, rhinestones, sweatbands, and other colorful items you can possible scrounge up in your suite. And of course, you won’t be allowed into the dance at all if you aren’t sporting Converse sneakers or a side ponytail.

Duran Duran, “Hungry Like a Wolf”
Bananarama, “Cruel Summer”
Cyndi Lauper, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
Bryan Adams, “Summer of ’69″
the Bangles, “Eternal Flame”
Cyndi Lauper, “Time After Time”
John Mellencamp, “Jack and Diane”
Toni Basil, “Mickey”
Eurythmics, “Sweet Dreams”
Bon Jovi, “Livin’ on a Prayer”
Jefferson Airplane, “We Built This City”
Bobby Brown, “My Prerogative”
Simple Minds, “Don’t You Forget About Me”
Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”
Janet Jackson, “Nasty”
Poison, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”
Whitney Houston, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
the Bangles, “Walk Like an Egyptian”
Los Lobos, “La Bamba”
Men at Work, “Who Can It Be Now?”
Tiffany, “I Think We’re Alone Now”
Irene Cara, “What A Feeling”
Bruce Springsteen, “Dancing In the Dark”
Madonna, “Material Girl”
Nena, “99 Luftballons”
Wham!, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”
Pat Benatar, “Love Is A Battlefield”
Rick Springfield, “Jessie’s Girl”
Kenny Loggins, “Footloose”
the Police, “Every Breath You Take”
Bonnie Tyler, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Tommy Tutone, “867-5309″
Air Supply, “All Out of Love”
Dexy’s Midnight Runners, “Come On Eileen”
Culture Club, “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”
Styx, “Mr. Roboto”
The Go-Gos, “We Got the Beat”
Violent Femmes, “Blister in the Sun”
George Michael, “Faith”
Beastie Boys, “Fight For Your Right”
Prince, “When Doves Cry”