A Yalie’s dream dean

This week we received the unfortunate news that Branford Dean Daniel Tauss will be stepping down from his position at the end of this year.  Nothing came to mind when I tried to think of who could possibly replace Branford’s dearly beloved, so I decided to give you a chance to voice your opinions on who your dream dean would be.

Here are the results:

60% of students said that they and their current dean “fight all the time”

44.4% of students said they wished their current dean was more like Joe Satran.  Harold Bloom, Karl Lagerfeld, Hilary Duff, and Hilary Clinton were all also desirable deans, but none of the students surveyed said they wished their dean was more like Mary Miller.

1.  What your dreamdean looks like:

• “Male, gingery, asymmetrical, impeccable taste”
• “He’s tall and thin, a ginger, arms a little too long for his body, fabulously dressed, oft seen in GQ, he gestures fluidly, laughs loudly, a leo.”
• “My dean is made of metal.  She comes from Latvia. She has copious cheese in her office. Her office is made of pillows and nothing gets out of there alive. Shit’s crazy. She changes her gender like you and I change clothes. This woman is a hazard. Somebody hit her.”

2.  What your dreamdean smells like:

• “top notes: berkshire porkbelly and apple
  middle notes: editor-in-heat
  base notes: junya watanabe model”
• “Pork, usually.”
• “My dean smells like a wet Monopoly board”

3.  What your dream relationship with your dreamdean would be:

• “The Abbot to my Costello.”
• “Rachel Zoe-Jennifer Garner”
• “fairy godmother-princess”

4.  What your dreamdean is interested in:

• “He’s probably interested in poetry, and blogging. And pork.”
• “My dream dean plays baseball, also”
• “german philosophy and high falutin english poetry”

5.  What your dreamdean would do for you:

• “She makes me eggs and bacon in the morning before sneaking me out the back door so the bad husband doesn’t find us”
• ” My dean would do my dishes. My dean would make pancakes for me out of other people’s pancakes, sort of composite pancakes that combine the goodness of all their constituent pancakes. My dean would never cease to tell me how good I look as well”
• “Disco parties, ping pong tournaments, laser tag. Also parcheesi nights every Wednesday, just to get us through. He would make muffins from his old nanny’s recipe.”

CONCLUSION:

A Yalie’s perfect dean is Joe Satran-like, with a hint of Harold Bloom and a LOT more pork.  Breakfast foods are surprisingly important, as is red hair.  Being made of metal is cool, as are fairy godmother magical powers.  Mostly though, breakfast foods and pork.

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