I know you probably spam-filter Chief Officer Perrotti’s emails, but RHESUS MONKEYS ARE READY TO ATTACK. Last seen near George and Church, it is clear that the monkeys have been programmed to attack off-campus students.

WATCH OUT — THE END IS NEAR.

The full text of the e-mail:

A Message to the Yale Community:

I write to inform you that five rhesus monkeys escaped from the neurochemical research laboratory of the Child Study Center (230 South Frontage Road) at 5:07am on Thursday, December 3, 2009. All members of the Yale community are urged to exercise caution in their movements about campus until the animals are recaptured. If you or anyone you know comes into contact with one of the monkeys, seek medical attention immediately. The animals are infected with the Motaba virus, a hemorrhagic fever native to central Africa; Yale-New Haven Hospital staff is ready to administer the E-1101 serum, but it must be administered within several hours of infection. Subjects escaped on S. Frontage towards Central Campus and were last seen near George and Church. If you have any information regarding this case or should witness suspicious activity, please report it immediately to the Yale Police at 203-432-1374.

Sincerely,
James A. Perrotti
Chief of Police