I tricked Michael Gabriel into going on a date with me on Saturday. We sat down for a chat over coffee and a muffin (Atticus banana nut — great choice). Yes, it was super cute. Yes, I was super charming. But all you really want to know is what Michael himself had to say. So here it is, presented as a dramatic monologue in which he makes an epic transition from Varsity athlete to hipster funnyman. If you want a good excuse to hang out with him, ask him to read it out loud to you.

[On WYBC]

My radio show is The Blitz!!! with Jack Hart and Michael Gabriel – the tagline for it is “a musical talk show for ADD kids that like to offend people.” So if you can just imagine that, and materialize that into an actual physical object, then that’s exactly what it is. It’s basically just me talking for a while, trying to be funny, until we run out of shit to say and then we play some music. It’s Friday nights from 7:30-9. We average about… ten listeners a show.

[On JAW]

JAW is wonderful. I joined this year. In the void of what am I going to do after football, I was thinking to myself – I’m kind of funny, why not give it a try?

[On the football team]

I lasted one semester… and it just wasn’t really up my alley. I had the opportunity to do what I want to do, after quitting, so it’s definitely been a liberating experience. I quickly realized football was not really for me, but I also joined DKE.

Dramatic Pause. Yes, DKE.

[On DKE]

It’s actually a very scary place. It depends on what rumors you’ve heard – but it’s probably worse. The clubbing of females over the head and dragging them back to bedrooms… it’s definitely happened, but only like… every other week.

[On Louis' Lunch]

It’s a novelty. I’ve had it before, and they’re okay, but they’re kind of dicks and they yell at you. I’m not a big fan. If I were going to get a burger I’d go to Prime 16. The Cowboy Burger… the Maui Burger… the Steakhouse Burger… I could go on.

[On Who at Yale He'd Trade Places With]

Sam Tsui. No, that’s two parts joke and one part actual jealousy. Does it have to be a student? I would say Jodie Foster. Or George Bush. On campus? Maybe Gillon Crichton.

[On Who He Would Date if He Were Gay]

I have a big mancrush on Clive Owen. It’s partly that his movies are great, but he’s also… he’s an attractive dude. He’s a goodlooking man.

[On Hidden Talents]

I can do a lot of shit with my face.

Twitches ears, eyebrows, does something strange and horrifying with his tongue.

[On Whether He Will Please Marry the Bullblog]

Michael doesn’t answer this question. The Bullblog still has its fingers crossed. Photo by Miranda Lewis.