Hey guys, Harvard here... we're gonna focus on Cornell from now on...

Today, Harvard freshman Christina McClintock, speaking on behalf of her entire university, conceded ultimate defeat to Yale, in everything, forever. In an op-ed in the Crimson, she said that Harvard should just give up on Yale and focus its energies on Cornell, an inarguably more realistic rival. “Forget Yale,” she writes, “The Big Red is definitely Harvard’s biggest rival right now.” Harvard may have realized that conceding mainland Asia to Yale is not a path to future competitiveness, and so is pre-emptively pursuing a weaker target. Good luck with that, Cantabs!