Freshman planning to attend the Safety Dance this year are at a sore disadvantage. And no, I’m not talking about the fact that they were not alive in the eighties. You see, hailing from the land of American Apparel, I was hugely excited to arrive in Nuhaven and have the option of wearing head-to-toe AA without looking like a clone of everyone within a 10 mile radius. But Dov Charney ruined that for me, and for all those members of 2013 so excited about wearing spandex.

You just have to be more creative this year, kids. There are plenty of places to shop in Nuhaven, though you may have to sacrifice a bit of color variety and a pinch of ethical labor practice. You could even ditch the aerobics look and go for something classier like shoulder pads or a great hat.

Salvation Army is the classic, a hotbed for the classy-tacky thrift store find.

English Building Market has a carefully chosen selection; go for the sequins — or the fur.

American Apparel has every color spandex you could ever dream of, but if you show up wearing it I might make fun of you.

Urban Outfitters sells things that looks just like the things American Apparel sells, but it’s closer to campus. Duh.

The Shops on Chapel You’ve Probably Never Been In are recognizable by the tight lycra minidresses in the window, replete with chain details and maybe even lacing. Secret: they have wigs in the back.

The #1 Safety Dance destination, though, is Fashionista. Vintage store, or a grown-up version of DZ? Hard to tell, but you’ll find what you’re looking for: the 1980s, relived. (Or discovered! Sorry, 2013.)