Since Tuesday night’s stunning results, pundits have been speculating as to who President-elect Donald J. Trump will tap for his Cabinet. Trump alienated many of the old-guard conservatives in the GOP during his campaign; by the election’s final weeks, only a close cabal of loyalists remained. Insiders claim that Trump will in fact fill the seats with some of his closest advisors, but he is also rumored to be considering nontraditional candidates. Here are a few of the Herald’s predictions for the incoming Trump Cabinet:
For Secretary of Homeland Security, we see Sauron getting the nod. We at least know that Vice President-elect Mike Pence is bullish on the tyrant from Middle Earth. In a recent interview, Pence addressed Sauron’s potential appointment: “It’s well known that one does not simply walk into Mordor, and that goes for our great country, too. And let’s not forget the good-paying manufacturing jobs Mr. Sauron brought back to forges of Mount Doom.” Sauron will likely be working in close coordination with the exhumed skeleton of Andrew Jackson, who is Trump’s #1 choice for Secretary of Defense.
The next head of the EPA, we think, based on sheer credentials alone, will be Myron Ebell, chairman of the Cooler Heads Coalition. Ebell was the visionary who first identified the benefits of global warming in a 2006 Forbes Op-Ed: “Life in many places would become more pleasant [were global warming not a hoax]. Instead of 20 below zero in January in Saskatoon, it might be only 10 below. And I don’t think too many people would complain if winters in Minneapolis became more like winters in Kansas City.”
The Trump campaign, we think, hopes to place the Treasury in the capable hands of King Midas. Many pundits are expecting Trump to reward his campaign financier, Steven Mnuchin, a Goldman Sachs executive, but he might surprise us all once more and opt for the original gold man himself. Secretary of Veteran Affairs seems poised to fall to Ret. Gen. David Petraeus, who, Paul Ryan said, “knows a ton about both veterans and affairs.”
The Department of Energy will be nixed in service of Trump’s promise to cut back on government expenditure, and because Trump has all the energy the country will ever need flowing between his corporeal form and his psychic aura. Along those lines of downsized government, sources say that the Department of Health and Human Services and Department of Housing and Urban Development will be combined into a single new Apartment, whose lease will be held by a racist grandfather from the Bible Belt.
Chief of Staff has been all but promised to Rinse Peinus, the chair of the GOP (Grand Old Penis) and descendent of the Roman god Priapus, deity of male genitalia, who is known to be one of the few who holds Trump’s ear. However, the coveted Communications Director position appears to be in contention between Brexit champion, and Trump lookalike, Boris Johnson and Sandinista mole James Comey.
Other positions we have heard rumors about include: Director of the Secret Service, which we believe will go to Meechum from House of Cards; Personal Chef, perfect for Chris Christie; and Antonin Scalia’ unfilled Supreme Court Seat, which seems to be a toss-up between the ghost of Joffrey Baratheon and a deputized Twitter troll from the alt-right.