List: Syllabus Fonts and What They’re Really Telling You
Admit it, despite all the CourseTable perusing you did over break in order to avoid interacting with your family, shopping period has straight up destroyed you. Well, agonize no more, because I’ve got the hottest tip west of the Quinnipiac River: the font of the syllabus determines the quality and character of the professor. Here is the comprehensive guide.
Garamond: The vanilla. Honestly, this is a fine course. When people ask you what classes you are taking, this is the one you will forget.
Comic Sans: The deceptor. Commonly used by science “guts” to convince you that they are guts, which they aren’t actually and FUCK YOU, LISA, FOR TELLING ME OTHERWISE. Avoid at all costs.
Georgia: The racist granddaddy of fonts. Get ready for a semester chock full of microaggressions. Never brings snackies to class.
Times New Roman: The insecure. If you can’t get a sense of who this professor is, neither can they. That’s why they chose the most by-the-book, boring-ass font. This professor is likely an overwhelmed graduate student. Every time you ask what their dissertation is about, it changes slightly.
Papyrus: The forbidden fruit. Nicknamed “Smeagol” by your friends for his sparse hair and gray complexion, this professor will unexpectedly win your love. You will try your hardest all semester to suppress your desire, only to write a declaration of your love in the anonymous course evaluation. You’ll never forget the time you saw him spill soup on his pants while eating alone at Yorkside. It was hot.