How to Meet Someone At Yale

Finding love at Yale can be hard. Despite all the Yalies you know who were already able to find their soul mates the classic way,¹ many of us have been left lonely. For those of you left behind this cuffing season, I’ve taken it upon myself to share the tips I’ve learned in my own quest for amor.

Phase I: Just Add Water²

Someone in your res college catch your eye? One way to break the ice is to make sure your laundry day is the same as his. Timing is key here; if you tuck away your SmartWool socks at the same moment that he shuts the door to his own machine, you are guaranteed at least two more interactions after precise 34 and 60 minute intervals. Use these to show off your laundry-specific repartee, while also getting to know the object of your affection. You can learn a lot about a guy in the laundry room:

  1. He tends not to wallow in his own filth
  2. He doesn’t use the laundry service, which means he’s of hardy proletarian stock aka husband material
  3. His name is Randall St. James³

Phase II: For the Birds

Now that you’ve clocked some face-time with your future beau, it’s time to show him that you have similar interests. For instance, Randall is interested in bird watching and you’re interested in Randall. Enroll in the same ornithology lab as him. Fun fact: the call of the Sumatran Ground Cuckoo is a well documented aphrodisiac. Use their sultry squawking as background for your expert seduction. If all goes well in this phase, Randy will be letting you do his p-sets in no time.

Phase III: Three’s Company

Date Randy’s roommate. This is the most important step:

  1. You’ll get hours of facetime with Randy, as you awkwardly stand behind his roommate asking if he can “have the room tonight” for the fifth night in a row
  2. The simmering resentment that Randy feels for you invading his space will be strong enough that you might flit across his mind twice a day
  3. Eventually, after you date his roommate for the rest of Yale, start a beautiful family together, transition to life as empty nesters, and retire to some sunny locale, Randy’s roommate’s gonna die.
  4. Outlive Randy’s roommate and pray Randy does too.
  5. Reunite with Randy at Randy’s roommate’s funeral. Make it subtle and classy, you’re a dignified widow now.

If you follow my plan carefully, you too will get to spend your golden years with Randall St. James.


Footnotes:

1. E.g. mutual friends, mutual funds, the Yale Frat Tinder instagram, and the line outside the 2nd floor bathroom of LC

2. And Tide Pods, and dirty clothes, and fabric softener if you’re bougie

3. His mom sewed it into the back of his underwear, which you just happened to notice as you were rifling through his dryer before he got back